I have a knack for losing stuff, things, people, memories, feelings even….
Growing up I lost things more often, next I lost people, relationships, by the time I officially became an adult I had lost a lot of memories. Memories of childhood, a lot of early and a big chunk of late teen years.
My life was always unusual, Not bad, but unusual.
I was a smart kid, or at least my school progress report and my Mom said so….An incident and its consequences misplaced something inside of me, I started losing things, lunch money, personal belongings, household items at first. Having become the “Irresponsible” child I lost the trust of my parents and so most of their time and attention (P.S – I am a middle child)
‘Abandonment issues’ perhaps, but I don’t remember making friends, ones that I had, I put so much distance between them and me that I lost them as well. All of this was painful for years initially, but when I entered college years it became easier. My mind found a way to block traumatic memories somehow (a.k.a most of my childhood) the happy ones turned out to be collateral. And so I lost a lot of memories….
Graduation was not too far, I had become so indifferent to happiness and sadness, I’d treat them the same, I had become so numb, I lost the ability to feel….
Of all the things I had lost throughout the years, there was this one extremely important thing that I Never lost, Hope! No matter, how hard I fell , I didn’t lose the ability to bounce back.
Moved away from family, to a different country, gave up a lot of what I had left and earned through the years. Made a decent life for myself….
Sometime last summer, I found this person, a Spiritual person. I say found because it was a series of coincidences that led me to Her. I am not a follower of anything or anyone but I have an open mind, and respect other people’s faith. A friend who is a believer gave me a key chain that had the spiritual person’s picture on it. I gladly accepted it as a gift, it was a sweet gesture of friendship. Surprisingly a few days after I received the gift, this spiritual person decides to visit my city in the same year again, which is quite unlikely. My friend insisted, I decided to go see this person and I did. A day after I visited this spiritual guru when she paid a visit to my city,something weird happened. I came home after a Saturday night dinner and as a slave of habits, I was emptying my purse of all accessories and keeping them in my organizer at home. Sadly for me, I didn’t find that key-chain in my bag, I searched my purse and the house again and again finally realizing I had lost it. I had lost the key-chain! Luckily for me I had not yet put my house keys in them, but I felt bad for I lost a gift given to me with much love. I told myself not to worry too much and decided to meet my friend and tell her what a terrible friend I am and apologize.
It seemed a bit odd, but being a person with a serious anxiety issue, it was unlike me, not to physically feel a panic when I lose something. I had a “Feeling” that the key-chain was not lost. Intuition I guess, but I disregarded it as a habit. Oddly, a little after I convinced myself to not entertain the idea of the key-chain not being Lost, I had what they call ‘a vision’. I somehow ‘Knew’ where it was and this time I decided to follow my instinct. I decided to go to the place I saw in my vision, it was the front of my neighbor’s door in the corridor of my building floor. I was in my pj’s but it was late night and I decided to walk out just like that. I opened my main door, very skeptically took a peek, just to check if there is anything lying on the floor. Straining my eyes, as I don’t exactly have a 20/20 vision, to my surprise, I saw a white – orange colored thing lying on the floor. In utter disbelief I stepped out of my doorway and took a step or two towards the thing lying on the floor and immediately broke into a big smile. It was my key-chain!!!! Lying exactly where I ‘Knew’ it to be…I found my key-chain!!!!
With a Big Smile on my face, I went back to my apartment and stared at it for a while. Few minutes later, I heard a voice, like the voice in your head, it said, “From now on, everything will be okay.” I looked around, there was no one at home but me. I smiled again and continued with my ‘things to do before going to bed’.
So as a contrast to my life before last summer, lately I’ve been finding things I lose, at odd times and odd places. Now I don’t exactly lose anything. The things I lose, the people and relationships I lose find their way back to me with little or no effort. My memories of childhood are slowly coming back. And I can feel now, I learned to allow myself to feel everything…. pain, joy, sadness and grief, every simple and complicated emotion there is, only now I react differently to them. Now I am a different person altogether, I have grown older, wiser, tolerant, more patient and one who doesn’t wait for Happiness, one who found a way to create happiness….
We all are powerhouses, channels, for all kinds of energies existing in the universe. It’s up to us to decide what frequency we vibrate with, what feelings we let reside within us, we decide what we should be made of.
I have a Lost & Found now, because I believe we Never truly lose anything, we only need to lose somethings to gain new things and experiences….
I thought I Lost my childhood, and in a way I did, but I Found something much more precious, one that extends beyond this birth and life, I found Faith, I found Knowledge, Wisdom, Patience and all in the name of Hope!