I turned 30 today!
While most of my friends are just glad I am one of them now, I am just excited. Everything in my life was delayed by a few years compared to the “societal standards of events that need to occur at certain age”. For example, my first BFF, first relationship, graduation, my first job, travelling to a different country for education and many more. So I am looking forward to actually starting to live as opposed to just getting by.
Interestingly, when one achieves a Milestone like turning 30 and entering into a new decade of age, one tends to calculate the doings of the previous decade and conclude the earnings & losses. But I seemed to have more focus on a different aspect, I usually ask myself 3 questions
“Who was I?”
“Who am I?” and
“Who do I wish to be?”
The end and beginning of every decade is always the busiest. You know that feeling you get when you know something big is coming and you can’t do anything but be prepared? Yes, that is the dominant feeling at these times.
When I was 9, I knew there was a big challenge coming my way. It made me so anxious, I can’t begin to tell.
And when I turned 10, I watched everything change, for years after that I saw myself like a flower that had to bloom in the shade instead of the Sun. I had to be wiser than my age, older than my older sibling, patient enough to wait for something good to happen, and tolerant enough to survive everything and still have some Hope and Faith left. Though I pride myself on the person I raised myself to be, till date I have no clue of how a 10 year old could’ve thought of such a thing and actually implement it.
When I was 19, I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I lived as I will exhaust all my energy and fall apart, like I was falling apart already, physically sick and in pain most of the time but the doctors couldn’t diagnose anything, too much anxiety and stress affected grades in school, and health was a mess,
So when I turned 20, I accepted that may be I do deserve to be loved a little, may be I should let someone else take care of me if that is what they wish, that was the year I met my Best Friend, my Soulmate….
When I turned 29, everything I had build up for 2 decades came rumbling down like a disaster struck snow mountain having a landslide….
I didn’t understand what was happening, I changed so much I didn’t recognize my own reflection. I was not the person I molded myself into for the past 20 years. The threshold for my tolerance was lowered, the amount of patience I am known to have reduced. I was scared I might turn into a person completely driven by their emotions.
Only when I got closer to my birthday I realized, it’s time for another change, and it’s Time to Treat yourself with the same kindness you show others….
Give yourself the same forgiveness you would give another. Time to not be so harshly judgmental towards yourself while you stay so non-judgmental towards others.
So Yes, I am looking forward to live a little hereon, getting to know the new Me, and making sure the little girl in me who never got to live her childhood finds her way home every-time she gets lost, because she is going to get lost sometimes, she is going fall off the wagon and not be the ever so patient and tolerant person she is known to be, and that may happen more often than I’d like….
Most people have already achieved some goals they planned in their 20’s and move towards new goals.
But me, I just started my journey,
My Journey towards Me…..
And like a Fall Tree this fall I start shedding off the leaves that Do Me No good while I Await my Never-ending Spring……