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…. Just when I thought, I understood all the working ways of my Heart!!!!

It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….

Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….

I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!

Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.

After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and¬† like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.

My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!

So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it ūüėČ

 

 

….a Special Meet!

It was a different night this fall, a brighter moonlit and colder than usual nightsky was clear and beautiful, the clouds literally under my feet, and me moving at a 900 kilometres/ hour velocity, cutting through the cold crisp air at around 30,000 feet. Fast asleep on a not so comfortable and relatively smaller airline economy seat, with headsets still on my ears from the barely interesting movie I was watching that helped me fall asleep.

A light sleeper on flights I usually wake up a few times in the night as I did last night and just when I opened my eyes a little after midnight, there he was, holding his place firmly as always, not a blink except when the passing cloud that momentarily hid him for a second, shining bright enough to make the flight wings completely visible along with a¬†somewhat thick layer of clouds beneath. There he was, one of my most favorite celestial being, in a gorgeous waxing gibbous phase staring at me in his full glory as if there for a purpose, then it struck me, may be there was a purpose, it was past midnight and I got to witness and experience one of my most favorite things to do, watching this beautiful entity unperturbed and tranquil with nothing but a steady aircraft liner buzzing sound in the background and everyone else quiet and asleep including and surprisingly the ever so present cranky babies and toddlers on the flight (sorry for sounding like a terrible person but flights and kids don’t go well together). Coming back to the Moon & Me, yes there he was presenting me with my first Birthday Gift, wishing me by giving me a wonderful start to yet another year of my eventful, ‘Never a dull moment’ life and smiling upon me with a promise of more such magical and memorable visits, with me around 30,000 feet closer to him than on any other birthday night, this meet with the glorious lunar body was truly special…. Thank you!

Growing Up? or Growing Old?

So!

Growing up is kinda like, yet not necessarily similar to¬†Growing old? Hmm…. who cares? A diamond stays a diamond no matter how old, wine only gets better with age and like someone extremely wise and very very great named Rihanna once said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” and I am going to take their word for it.

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 ūüôā
And even though it’s a social norm to not particularly like to grow up/ grow old I however, am lovin’ it….
Some even say I was born old, like not a very literal but still a subtly curious case of Benjamin Button
#LoL #ThatCouldBeRight #IKnowWhatYouSaidLastWeekend *Wink Wink*

I mean, how can I not love it? Getting to really know Yourself without being overwhelmed by raging hormones and that emotional rugby match playing in your mind that almost never did let you think straight.

When after years and years of filtering things and people that may or may not be good for you to the ones that are Really good for you….

When there is rarely a memory you wouldn’t wanna keep and where every moment spent with them is a picture worth capturing….

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 ūüôā
And, while everyone else can still decide how they feel about growing up, I plan to stay an Eternal Optimist and focus on the Most Beautiful part of it….

Thank you Everyone for your lovely Birthday wishes and blessings!!!!

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…..the Face of My Faith

My eyes were searching¬†for that face….they never saw it,

My heart always ached¬†to feel it’s¬†presence….my heart still ached,

My soul longs¬†to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and¬†yet it¬†awaits,

All these years gone by¬†while I wait, I seek¬†and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of ¬†who they call God, and I called Hope….

And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the¬†age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a¬†hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with¬†the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite¬†strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,

And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges¬†into a single source of golden light, light which I felt¬†piercing through me as¬†I become a part of it, so much so that it looked¬†as if emanating¬†from Me….

And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but¬†I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….

I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,

He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….

I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….

I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just¬†to me¬†and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….

I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as¬†I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!

 

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Paradoxes of my Juvenescence….

a letter to my confidant….
“Enfolded¬†in the darkness,tears flowed night long,

Tyrannized and fiery,but now the day came along,
Insomnia has become my consort in bed,
Fear beckons a brand new day ahead,
Would the glimmer of the sun give away the tears in my eyes?
Would I have to fall back on telling a few lies?
Never knew my skills were so splendid at lying,
A skill  with dexterity I used, to keep on denying,
For long I’d shut my self from the world and everyone,
To keep only to my heart, and disclose to none,
And then from nowhere came along a friend,
A wee bit late, for all by then seemed to end,
Mixed emotions of laughter ,when in truth I was crying,
As if they had caught on with my lies and denying,
That I am so buoyant and cheery was all that they knew,
But my true being was visible to only a few,
A friend and a loved one were guarding angels of mine,
Its in their midst that I felt touched by divine,
Disappointments were rife from a tender age of ten,
A real life of substance as if never began,
Twice over and above I am as of today,
Memories still haunt me of that ‘Judgement Day’
Haunting of the ghosts of my¬†past, and of what’s to come,
Are both the cause and effect of what I have become,
For now there’s hope and desires to be,
Reasons I still can’t find to tell thee,
The passion, the anguish of times that are low,
I put up a mask of happiness and I glow,
For that’s all, that is visible to the perceptive human eyes,
The state of disdain, the melancholy is what the gravity of my heart defies,
Astonished and dazed I am certain you must be,
For now you know this is the true story of me………”

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Happy Women’s Day!

The concept of a ‘Strong Woman’ is beyond my understanding.
Strength is a key ingredient of the very foundation of Femininity. What made anyone think anything otherwise?¬†Women are strong and courageous by default, it’s a XX’ chromosome pairing thing.

So let’s Celebrate the Fire in you and me,

lets celebrate the Strength that we are,

let’s celebrate Who we want ourselves to be,

and continue to be the Excellence at par….

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!!!!

 

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a Ballad of Forgotten Hope….

There isn’t enough binder to mend my broken heart, there isn’t enough elixir to heal my wounded soul, but I refuse to surrender….

Here I am, shattered into a million pieces every moment I spend in a forgotten time, yet I refuse to surrender….

There I go, falling in a bottomless pit of no hope, no light, where only hope kept me going, still I refuse to surrender….

To the demons of my despair that wait at the threshold of my destiny,
to consume what is left of me,
I refuse to surrender….

Even though my line of sight,
that does not extend beyond the horizon, struggles to find another ray of light,
I refuse to surrender….

And how I look back to find the source of my endurance, I find my faith, my connection to God of Hope, be the reason why so dauntlessly I refused to surrender….

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….a note to My Broken self

Wisdom doesn’t come easy, one doesn’t become wise living a happy and comfortable life.

To learn so early what one learns much later in life, one has to fall just as many times, take just as many hits and hit just as many lows, in that short period of time.

And to know how many times we got right back up, well….. I’am standing right in front of you.

Wounds heal, scars don’t, they are not supposed to. They are the only evidence of all the falls¬†and hits we’ve taken.

My scars are deep and I am still broken from the hits we¬†took, but I don’t let them see my scars, I don’t let them see my wounds. I choose what they ¬†see in me, I choose how¬†they see me, it is¬†empowering. Be not alarmed, there is not false pretense, but I choose who deserves my vulnerability.

This body¬†is weak dear one, as for decades we let the fire of rage¬†burn within it. There is no fun in having poor health, if it’s not sympathy or attention you seek, being sick that often is in vain.

Not many get¬†where we are¬†without seeing what we’ve have seen, the only way to get here this quick¬†is to live the pain of more than one life….

I wish I could tell you how much it takes to keep going, while bearing the burden of realization of having lived good 3 decades only to look back and find nothing there, a whole lot¬†of nothingness, only a bunch of liabilities that won’t even let you to find your salvation. Oh how I wish! I could save you from being constantly¬†pulled back¬†from all the progress we’ve have made, just so the selfish desires of having our company are fulfilled. But we shall¬†not¬†surrender.

Blood is weird that way. You can’t be ungrateful for being born and having made it this far but staying in the same room for more than a few hours becomes burdensome and exhausting. If it makes you feel any better, know the difference between them and us? You and I were actually trying to find redemption for all of us. Whilst¬†we¬†found out how the minds of both parties¬†worked. And when one¬†understands that much, one knows there is no black or white there, there is no my way or their way, it’s all grey. There is no way for either of us to be happy, the only way is to make peace with it and be content.

I wish I could give you magic words that helped you make them understand what is necessary, convince them to let go, but I myself am still looking for those words. Since  I find you fallen in this pit from time to time, I want you to remember, we fall so often for we carry the burden of finding redemption for more than just us, however unwise it may seem, we refuse to cease from keeping the promise we made to free us from the debts we have incurred in this life and else. We fall not because we are weak but because our form gets overwhelmed with what our spirit carries so justly.

So, here I am now, unbroken and invincible, waiting for you to find your way to me. I make you strong and you keep me grounded. Together we keep our promises, together we learn no matter how dark it gets, it’s not over until we see the light. So come, find your way back to me, I’ll wait….

Gentle Reminders

As natural it is for us to remember things, its just as natural to forget them. The brain is like one supercomputer that just somehow knows what information is important to store and purge the rest. However, no information is completely lost.

We are beings blessed with capabilities that even our minds cannot comprehend.
Busy lifestyles, finding work – life balance, so much to do so little time, we all need some reminders every now and then. Don’t know about you lot but I am a forgetful one. Quite disorganized in my thoughts as I am in life. Technology helps sometimes, alarm clocks to wake up, Google reminders for organizing daily tasks, project management tools to use at work and what not. Even then, there times when I forget a lot of what I should make it count to keep in mind. But then again, I don’t remember a lot of other important things which is Okay! Like where was I¬†before I was born here, I forget where I will be headed after I am done here. I bet none of us remember that, do we?

No one witnessed the beginning, no one knows the end, however isn’t it logical to think, anything that has an ‘After’ most certainly had a ‘Before’? One cannot know the ‘After’, for obvious reasons, but ever wondered that if there was a ‘Before’ how come no one remembers it?
How conveniently each individual starts living the ‘Now’ after birth and forgets to question the lack of any information until at some point of their life’s journey they look back and realize.
Please tell me this makes sense to you.

We existed¬†before being You and I but we have forgotten. Good thing about it?, we¬†are supposed to, in order to live who we are now and plan who we aim to be by the end of it. I bet each one of has lived a moment where they cannot analyse or understand an¬†ongoing situation but somehow, just somehow ‘Know’ what to do, when to do it? and how to do it? We call these unexplained bouts of knowledge as¬†Sixth Sense or Intuition and what not but wondered how it works? Well that’s a topic for another day!

Ever found yourself staring at the sky for no apparent reason? Ever been mesmerized by something that in plain sight never appealed to you before? Ever found the answers you needed lied in your question the whole time? and ever realized you were never really alone?

I have. I find tranquility when I stare at the sky, I am mesmerized by the warmth of the sun and subtle beauty of the moon sometimes though they are an everyday occurring phenomena, find an instant liking or dislike for a person or activity I just came across, found that me fighting with God and questioning his doings was the proof of my faith in his existence and that I wasn’t standing alone there talking to him, he was listening, sudden moments of overwhelming gratitude, waking up one morning and finding forgiveness for something¬†you couldn’t imagine letting go?¬†Worth giving a thought isn’t it?

These moments, fine and short lived moments are the reminders for what we have forgotten. We are constantly tested for what we have learnt and what we have failed at learning, but we all possess the Knowledge that is needed for us to keep going and reach wherever it is¬†that we were born to find our way to.¬†The moments are not subtle at all, overwhelming joy, gratitude,¬†grief, wisdom, this can be a very intense experience. We may even not desire it out of the fear of vulnerability it brings us. Sad part? it’s not in our hands. The life we lead, the path we walk on, we need access to that knowledge every time we arrive at a turn that was planned for us, to know where to go next?, how to proceed?, what is the best way to find the right direction? There is no subtle or gentle way for life¬†to give us these reminders, however desirable. The knowledge we need to get through this life, learning what we are here to learn is far too great for our minds to possess and confine it into the words of different languages we created to communicate. Hence, we have limited access to it, only what can be handled on a regular basis, but just when we need to Remember , we get special access.

So don’t be too harsh on yourself if you can’t keep information in your mind from leaking, we are all genetically programmed to Forget as much as we are programmed to Remember. For everything else we always will keep getting these Gentle Reminders!

….Tis’ that time of the year!!!!

Waking up to a crisp cold and bright sunny winter’s morning.
Followed by a quick breakfast and a long drive to the North of Ontario….
A small hike in the woods of the Township of Tay….
Tour to the wonderful wildlife centre just a hop, skip and jump away from the Sainte Marie among the Hurons. Highlight of the tour?…. feeding the birds, what an amazing experience…..

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After dusk, when the stars decide to show up and sky is clear, just before the moon made an appearance in the north western sky, the First Light at the Sainte Marie starts….
Six Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy candles were lit to Celebrate the Beginning of the Spirit of Christmas ūüéĄ
Songs of Celebrations of the Birth of the Messiah were sung by the moving Choir, the voice of an angel danced on the melodious sound of the Harp, the Merry French Men made us join them in some French singing….
The set up had several establishments that had multiple activities planned for the kids and adults, to participate in, like making snowman, personalizing handmade season greeting cards by writing messages old style with ink and quils (the greeting cards were made by the students of the local elementary school), making handmade jewelry and decorative items to put up on Christmas trees.
Some had the blacksmiths demonstrating their skills and ways of making tools in the days before the industrial revolution, some had the french men telling stories of their ancient ancestry and how the town and it’s rich cultural heritage came into existence, some had the artisans carve beautiful ice sculptures that further enhanced the beauty of the set up and many more….
In the time between stepping out of one establishment and entering another, I looked up to the sky that was so clear and with the air so pure, I observed that the number of visible stars was more than triple the amount of stars seen in the city on a night of no moon and clouds. I was simply mesmerized by the beauty of it….
Hot Chocolate with marshmallows sweetened the experience, bonfires kept us warm on this cold night….
Ending the wonderful experience with scrumptious meal at the French Cafe while listening to the local band of female musicians playing amazing fusion music….
What a beautiful way to start the Celebration of Christmas this year….
The First Light of the Sainte Marie among the Hurons with 5000 candles is an event I would recommend to friends and family….
Tis a blessing to witness beauty at its finest and all this in the name of Christmas!

Wish You all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

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First Light 2

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First Light 3

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