Paradoxes of my Juvenescence….

a letter to my confidant….
“Enfolded in the darkness,tears flowed night long,

Tyrannized and fiery,but now the day came along,
Insomnia has become my consort in bed,
Fear beckons a brand new day ahead,
Would the glimmer of the sun give away the tears in my eyes?
Would I have to fall back on telling a few lies?
Never knew my skills were so splendid at lying,
A skill  with dexterity I used, to keep on denying,
For long I’d shut my self from the world and everyone,
To keep only to my heart, and disclose to none,
And then from nowhere came along a friend,
A wee bit late, for all by then seemed to end,
Mixed emotions of laughter ,when in truth I was crying,
As if they had caught on with my lies and denying,
That I am so buoyant and cheery was all that they knew,
But my true being was visible to only a few,
A friend and a loved one were guarding angels of mine,
Its in their midst that I felt touched by divine,
Disappointments were rife from a tender age of ten,
A real life of substance as if never began,
Twice over and above I am as of today,
Memories still haunt me of that ‘Judgement Day’
Haunting of the ghosts of my past, and of what’s to come,
Are both the cause and effect of what I have become,
For now there’s hope and desires to be,
Reasons I still can’t find to tell thee,
The passion, the anguish of times that are low,
I put up a mask of happiness and I glow,
For that’s all, that is visible to the perceptive human eyes,
The state of disdain, the melancholy is what the gravity of my heart defies,
Astonished and dazed I am certain you must be,
For now you know this is the true story of me………”

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Happy Women’s Day!

The concept of a ‘Strong Woman’ is beyond my understanding.
Strength is a key ingredient of the very foundation of Femininity. What made anyone think anything otherwise? Women are strong and courageous by default, it’s a XX’ chromosome pairing thing.

So let’s Celebrate the Fire in you and me,

lets celebrate the Strength that we are,

let’s celebrate Who we want ourselves to be,

and continue to be the Excellence at par….

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!!!!

 

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a Ballad of Forgotten Hope….

There isn’t enough binder to mend my broken heart, there isn’t enough elixir to heal my wounded soul, but I refuse to surrender….

Here I am, shattered into a million pieces every moment I spend in a forgotten time, yet I refuse to surrender….

There I go, falling in a bottomless pit of no hope, no light, where only hope kept me going, still I refuse to surrender….

To the demons of my despair that wait at the threshold of my destiny,
to consume what is left of me,
I refuse to surrender….

Even though my line of sight,
that does not extend beyond the horizon, struggles to find another ray of light,
I refuse to surrender….

And how I look back to find the source of my endurance, I find my faith, my connection to God of Hope, be the reason why so dauntlessly I refused to surrender….

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….a note to My Broken self

Wisdom doesn’t come easy, one doesn’t become wise living a happy and comfortable life.

To learn so early what one learns much later in life, one has to fall just as many times, take just as many hits and hit just as many lows, in that short period of time.

And to know how many times we got right back up, well….. I’am standing right in front of you.

Wounds heal, scars don’t, they are not supposed to. They are the only evidence of all the falls and hits we’ve taken.

My scars are deep and I am still broken from the hits we took, but I don’t let them see my scars, I don’t let them see my wounds. I choose what they  see in me, I choose how they see me, it is empowering. Be not alarmed, there is not false pretense, but I choose who deserves my vulnerability.

This body is weak dear one, as for decades we let the fire of rage burn within it. There is no fun in having poor health, if it’s not sympathy or attention you seek, being sick that often is in vain.

Not many get where we are without seeing what we’ve have seen, the only way to get here this quick is to live the pain of more than one life….

I wish I could tell you how much it takes to keep going, while bearing the burden of realization of having lived good 3 decades only to look back and find nothing there, a whole lot of nothingness, only a bunch of liabilities that won’t even let you to find your salvation. Oh how I wish! I could save you from being constantly pulled back from all the progress we’ve have made, just so the selfish desires of having our company are fulfilled. But we shall not surrender.

Blood is weird that way. You can’t be ungrateful for being born and having made it this far but staying in the same room for more than a few hours becomes burdensome and exhausting. If it makes you feel any better, know the difference between them and us? You and I were actually trying to find redemption for all of us. Whilst we found out how the minds of both parties worked. And when one understands that much, one knows there is no black or white there, there is no my way or their way, it’s all grey. There is no way for either of us to be happy, the only way is to make peace with it and be content.

I wish I could give you magic words that helped you make them understand what is necessary, convince them to let go, but I myself am still looking for those words. Since  I find you fallen in this pit from time to time, I want you to remember, we fall so often for we carry the burden of finding redemption for more than just us, however unwise it may seem, we refuse to cease from keeping the promise we made to free us from the debts we have incurred in this life and else. We fall not because we are weak but because our form gets overwhelmed with what our spirit carries so justly.

So, here I am now, unbroken and invincible, waiting for you to find your way to me. I make you strong and you keep me grounded. Together we keep our promises, together we learn no matter how dark it gets, it’s not over until we see the light. So come, find your way back to me, I’ll wait….

Gentle Reminders

As natural it is for us to remember things, its just as natural to forget them. The brain is like one supercomputer that just somehow knows what information is important to store and purge the rest. However, no information is completely lost.

We are beings blessed with capabilities that even our minds cannot comprehend.
Busy lifestyles, finding work – life balance, so much to do so little time, we all need some reminders every now and then. Don’t know about you lot but I am a forgetful one. Quite disorganized in my thoughts as I am in life. Technology helps sometimes, alarm clocks to wake up, Google reminders for organizing daily tasks, project management tools to use at work and what not. Even then, there times when I forget a lot of what I should make it count to keep in mind. But then again, I don’t remember a lot of other important things which is Okay! Like where was I before I was born here, I forget where I will be headed after I am done here. I bet none of us remember that, do we?

No one witnessed the beginning, no one knows the end, however isn’t it logical to think, anything that has an ‘After’ most certainly had a ‘Before’? One cannot know the ‘After’, for obvious reasons, but ever wondered that if there was a ‘Before’ how come no one remembers it?
How conveniently each individual starts living the ‘Now’ after birth and forgets to question the lack of any information until at some point of their life’s journey they look back and realize.
Please tell me this makes sense to you.

We existed before being You and I but we have forgotten. Good thing about it?, we are supposed to, in order to live who we are now and plan who we aim to be by the end of it. I bet each one of has lived a moment where they cannot analyse or understand an ongoing situation but somehow, just somehow ‘Know’ what to do, when to do it? and how to do it? We call these unexplained bouts of knowledge as Sixth Sense or Intuition and what not but wondered how it works? Well that’s a topic for another day!

Ever found yourself staring at the sky for no apparent reason? Ever been mesmerized by something that in plain sight never appealed to you before? Ever found the answers you needed lied in your question the whole time? and ever realized you were never really alone?

I have. I find tranquility when I stare at the sky, I am mesmerized by the warmth of the sun and subtle beauty of the moon sometimes though they are an everyday occurring phenomena, find an instant liking or dislike for a person or activity I just came across, found that me fighting with God and questioning his doings was the proof of my faith in his existence and that I wasn’t standing alone there talking to him, he was listening, sudden moments of overwhelming gratitude, waking up one morning and finding forgiveness for something you couldn’t imagine letting go? Worth giving a thought isn’t it?

These moments, fine and short lived moments are the reminders for what we have forgotten. We are constantly tested for what we have learnt and what we have failed at learning, but we all possess the Knowledge that is needed for us to keep going and reach wherever it is that we were born to find our way to. The moments are not subtle at all, overwhelming joy, gratitude, grief, wisdom, this can be a very intense experience. We may even not desire it out of the fear of vulnerability it brings us. Sad part? it’s not in our hands. The life we lead, the path we walk on, we need access to that knowledge every time we arrive at a turn that was planned for us, to know where to go next?, how to proceed?, what is the best way to find the right direction? There is no subtle or gentle way for life to give us these reminders, however desirable. The knowledge we need to get through this life, learning what we are here to learn is far too great for our minds to possess and confine it into the words of different languages we created to communicate. Hence, we have limited access to it, only what can be handled on a regular basis, but just when we need to Remember , we get special access.

So don’t be too harsh on yourself if you can’t keep information in your mind from leaking, we are all genetically programmed to Forget as much as we are programmed to Remember. For everything else we always will keep getting these Gentle Reminders!

….Tis’ that time of the year!!!!

Waking up to a crisp cold and bright sunny winter’s morning.
Followed by a quick breakfast and a long drive to the North of Ontario….
A small hike in the woods of the Township of Tay….
Tour to the wonderful wildlife centre just a hop, skip and jump away from the Sainte Marie among the Hurons. Highlight of the tour?…. feeding the birds, what an amazing experience…..

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After dusk, when the stars decide to show up and sky is clear, just before the moon made an appearance in the north western sky, the First Light at the Sainte Marie starts….
Six Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy candles were lit to Celebrate the Beginning of the Spirit of Christmas 🎄
Songs of Celebrations of the Birth of the Messiah were sung by the moving Choir, the voice of an angel danced on the melodious sound of the Harp, the Merry French Men made us join them in some French singing….
The set up had several establishments that had multiple activities planned for the kids and adults, to participate in, like making snowman, personalizing handmade season greeting cards by writing messages old style with ink and quils (the greeting cards were made by the students of the local elementary school), making handmade jewelry and decorative items to put up on Christmas trees.
Some had the blacksmiths demonstrating their skills and ways of making tools in the days before the industrial revolution, some had the french men telling stories of their ancient ancestry and how the town and it’s rich cultural heritage came into existence, some had the artisans carve beautiful ice sculptures that further enhanced the beauty of the set up and many more….
In the time between stepping out of one establishment and entering another, I looked up to the sky that was so clear and with the air so pure, I observed that the number of visible stars was more than triple the amount of stars seen in the city on a night of no moon and clouds. I was simply mesmerized by the beauty of it….
Hot Chocolate with marshmallows sweetened the experience, bonfires kept us warm on this cold night….
Ending the wonderful experience with scrumptious meal at the French Cafe while listening to the local band of female musicians playing amazing fusion music….
What a beautiful way to start the Celebration of Christmas this year….
The First Light of the Sainte Marie among the Hurons with 5000 candles is an event I would recommend to friends and family….
Tis a blessing to witness beauty at its finest and all this in the name of Christmas!

Wish You all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

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Happy Diwali (Shubh Deepavali….!)

Nothin’ beats a Festive Diwali Morning that starts by waking up to the sweet sound of a Flute paired with the Melodious sound of a Sitar and very subtle Mridangam and Santoor in the background….
The smell of musk and sandalwood fragrance’d incense followed by texts and calls of Diwali wishes from Friends and Family….

Diwali, the only time when the lack of Morning sunlight is compensated by the wait for an evening that will be lit by Diyas and decorative lights….
The richness of the sometimes overwhelming joy when all that is not well is forgotten is simply marvelous, when smiles and sweet words find their way on everyone’s lips and calorie counting takes a back seat….

May the lights of this Diwali, that is a celebration of the victory of Good over Evil, eliminate all the shadows and bring to Light Everything that makes You Smile…..!!!!

Shubh Deepavali Everyone!!!!

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Saibaba temple Panjim

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3 Decades of My Journey towards Me….!!!!

I turned 30 today!
While most of my friends are just glad I am one of them now, I am just excited. Everything in my life was delayed by a few years compared to the “societal standards of events that need to occur at certain age”. For example, my first BFF, first relationship, graduation, my first job, travelling to a different country for education and many more. So I am looking forward to actually starting to live as opposed to just getting by.
Interestingly, when one achieves a Milestone like turning 30 and entering into a new decade of age, one tends to calculate the doings of the previous decade and conclude the earnings & losses. But I seemed to have more focus on a different aspect, I usually ask myself 3 questions
“Who was I?”
“Who am I?” and
“Who do I wish to be?”
The end and beginning of every decade is always the busiest. You know that feeling you get when you know something big is coming and you can’t do anything but be prepared? Yes, that is the dominant feeling at these times.
When I was 9, I knew there was a big challenge coming my way. It made me so anxious, I can’t begin to tell.
And when I turned 10, I watched everything change, for years after that I saw myself like a flower that had to bloom in the shade instead of the Sun. I had to be wiser than my age, older than my older sibling, patient enough to wait for something good to happen, and tolerant enough to survive everything and still have some Hope and Faith left. Though I pride myself on the person I raised myself to be, till date I have no clue of how a 10 year old could’ve thought of such a thing and actually implement it.
When I was 19, I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I lived as I will exhaust all my energy and fall apart, like I was falling apart already, physically sick and in pain most of the time but the doctors couldn’t diagnose anything, too much anxiety and stress affected grades in school, and health was a mess,
So when I turned 20, I accepted that may be I do deserve to be loved a little, may be I should let someone else take care of me if that is what they wish, that was the year I met my Best Friend, my Soulmate….
When I turned 29, everything I had build up for 2 decades came rumbling down like a disaster struck snow mountain having a landslide….
I didn’t understand what was happening, I changed so much I didn’t recognize my own reflection. I was not the person I molded myself into for the past 20 years. The threshold for my tolerance was lowered, the amount of patience I am known to have reduced. I was scared I might turn into a person completely driven by their emotions.
Only when I got closer to my birthday I realized, it’s time for another change,  and it’s Time to Treat yourself with the same kindness you show others….
Give yourself the same forgiveness you would give another. Time to not be so harshly judgmental towards yourself while you stay so non-judgmental towards others.

So Yes, I am looking forward to live a little hereon, getting to know the new Me, and making sure the little girl in me who never got to live her childhood finds her way home every-time she gets lost, because she is going to get lost sometimes, she is going fall off the wagon and not be the ever so patient and tolerant person she is known to be, and that may happen more often than I’d like….
Most people have already achieved some goals they planned in their 20’s and move towards new goals.
But me, I just started my journey,
My Journey towards Me…..
And like a Fall  Tree this fall I start shedding off the leaves that Do Me No good while I Await my Never-ending Spring……

….In Love with a Broken World

I walked on a Path, if you walk on it , you will find what I found…
For You and I are no different but just the same,
We are born, We live and Wither off only to be Born again,
In another life, another world, another time….
Do not worship me He said, I am no God,
I am the Path you walk on….
Said He who loved the old, the disabled, the dead and the different….
He who fell in Love with a Broken World….

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My Lost & Found!

I have a knack for losing stuff, things, people, memories, feelings even….

Growing up I lost things more often, next I lost people, relationships, by the time I officially became an adult I had lost a lot of memories. Memories of childhood, a lot of early and a big chunk of late teen years.

My life was always unusual, Not bad, but unusual.

I was a smart kid, or at least my school progress report and my Mom said so….An incident and its consequences misplaced something inside of me, I started losing things, lunch money, personal belongings, household items at first. Having become the “Irresponsible” child I lost the trust of my parents and so most of their time and attention (P.S – I am a middle child)

‘Abandonment issues’ perhaps, but I don’t remember making friends, ones that I had, I put so much distance between them and me that I lost them as well. All of this was painful for years initially, but when I entered college years it became easier. My mind found a way to block traumatic memories somehow (a.k.a most of my childhood) the happy ones turned out to be collateral. And so I lost a lot of memories….

Graduation was not too far, I had become so indifferent to happiness and sadness, I’d treat them the same, I had become so numb, I lost the ability to feel….

Of all the things I had lost throughout the years, there was this one extremely important thing that I Never lost, Hope! No matter, how hard I fell , I didn’t lose the ability to bounce back.

Moved away from family, to a different country, gave up a lot of what I had left and earned through the years. Made a decent life for myself….

Sometime last summer, I found this person, a Spiritual person. I say found because it was a series of coincidences that led me to Her. I am not a follower of anything or anyone but I have an open mind, and respect other people’s faith. A friend who is a believer gave me a key chain that had the spiritual person’s picture on it. I gladly accepted it as a gift, it was a sweet gesture of friendship. Surprisingly a few days after I received the gift, this spiritual person decides to visit my city in the same year again, which is quite unlikely. My friend insisted, I decided to go see this person and I did. A day after I visited this spiritual guru when she paid a visit to my city,something weird happened. I came home after a Saturday night dinner and as a slave of habits, I was emptying my purse of all accessories and keeping them in my organizer at home. Sadly for me, I didn’t find that key-chain in my bag, I searched my purse and the house again and again finally realizing I had lost it. I had lost the key-chain! Luckily for me I had not yet put my house keys in them, but I felt bad for I lost a gift given to me with much love. I told myself not to worry too much and decided to meet my friend and tell her what a terrible friend I am and apologize.

It seemed a bit odd, but being a person with a serious anxiety issue, it was unlike me, not to physically feel a panic when I lose something. I had a “Feeling” that the key-chain was not lost. Intuition I guess, but I disregarded it as a habit. Oddly, a little after I convinced myself to not entertain the idea of the key-chain not being Lost, I had what they call ‘a vision’. I somehow ‘Knew’ where it was and this time I decided to follow my instinct. I decided to go to the place I saw in my vision, it was the front of my neighbor’s door in the corridor of my building floor. I was in my pj’s but it was late night and I decided to walk out just like that. I opened my main door, very skeptically took a peek, just to check if there is anything lying on the floor. Straining my eyes, as I don’t exactly have a 20/20 vision, to my surprise, I saw a white – orange colored thing lying on the floor. In utter disbelief I stepped out of my doorway and took a step or two towards the thing lying on the floor and immediately broke into a big smile. It was my key-chain!!!! Lying exactly where I ‘Knew’ it to be…I found my key-chain!!!!

With a Big Smile on my face, I went back to my apartment and stared at it for a while. Few minutes later, I heard a voice, like the voice in your head, it said, “From now on, everything will be okay.” I looked around, there was no one at home but me. I smiled again and continued with my ‘things to do before going to bed’.

So as a contrast to my life before last summer, lately I’ve been finding things I lose, at odd times and odd places. Now I don’t exactly lose anything. The things I lose, the people and relationships I lose find their way back to me with little or no effort. My memories of childhood are slowly coming back. And I can feel now, I learned to allow myself to feel everything…. pain, joy, sadness and grief, every simple and complicated emotion there is, only now I react differently to them. Now I am a different person altogether, I have grown older, wiser, tolerant, more patient and one who doesn’t wait for Happiness, one who found a way to create happiness….

We all are powerhouses, channels, for all kinds of energies existing in the universe. It’s up to us to decide what frequency we vibrate with, what feelings we let reside within us, we decide what we should be made of.

I have a Lost & Found now, because I believe we Never truly lose anything, we only need to lose somethings to gain new things and experiences….

I thought I Lost my childhood, and in a way I did, but I Found something much more precious, one that extends beyond this birth and life, I found Faith, I found Knowledge, Wisdom, Patience and all in the name of Hope!