This ain’t a Dream!

For years I was afraid to want, so I never asked for anything,

All the times I was afraid to dream, so I didn’t let myself sleep peacefully,

I was told I was dumb and ugly, I stopped letting anyone see me,

And when they started calling a me a failure, I withdrew my ambitions,

Every step I took, every decision I made, I did it so they wouldn’t have to bear my burden, only to realize I was the one carrying theirs, so I decided to drop them….

You see it wasn’t you, it was me who let you treat me like I needed your validation, from the very moment I gave you the power to tell me who I am, but today I take it back….

I will grow, I will beautify, I will dream,

I will want and if you try to silence me, I would scream….

I am today who you will want to be tomorrow,

Do not doubt my ability to walk  away from your shadow….

I will grow, I will laugh, I will fly,

if my growth scares you, feel free to say your goodbyes,

I will not allow you the right to even stand beside me, I will no longer give this failing relationship another try,

I will act on my wishes, give two ducks to your tradition,

Be careful of messing with me hereon, this is Not a Dream, this is my Ambition!

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….When did We Get Here?

I started my Reiki practice last week. Finally did the one thing I wanted to do since 2012, guess it wasn’t the right time then but I am sure today is. Created my Instagram page for my website and blogs page site, for people to reach me in case they need my help to heal and learn. ‘Spread the word’ I told my friends and family, somehow I didn’t feel like telling my best friend of 16 years and today I figured out “why?”

You see things have been different in the past few years for me, we all know how change is difficult but necessary, so when we are going through it, we don’t know if it is good or bad, all we know is that it is different. And since 2014, when I embarked on my spiritual and healing journey things have been drastically different, thanks to the change of my perspective I could see clearly, this bearing highly beneficial results in the future, which made it “good” different.

I got a call this morning, from my best friend of 16 years from whom I have been distant lately, especially after a fall out I had with another of our close friend, while she was present and a part of. Since that ‘episode’ we exchange texts first and set up a time to call when we have free time to talk. But this morning she called and I got a feeling something is up. I answered her call.

She said: “Hi! how are you?” in a rushed manner, as if that was a formal greeting dying to get on the “real” thing to discuss

Myself: Skeptic yet nonchalantly I responded ” I am good, thanks! How are you?”

She said: “I am good, I thought you were sick with your hormonal imbalance”

Myself: “whatever is happening is happening, but I am not sick, just tired”

She said: “I thought you would be suffering from weakness given your hormones going crazy”

Myself: “No, I am okay. thanks”

She said: “Did you start new page called Soulsne?” she seemed shocked

Myself: “Yes, though its not new. I have had the blog for years now” , I was fighting a strong urge to confront her, so I stayed calm

She said: “Yes, I know about the blog but you never told me about you starting your practice.”. may be I was brewing this up in my mind but her intention of asking that question did not seem very supportive

Myself: “Its fairly recent but I have had that page for a few weeks on Instagram.”

She said: “but have you completed your Reiki learning?” 

Myself: “Over 8 years ago. This isn’t new to me” I answered

She said: “But Reiki has level 5 and 6, which you never completed, only people that are high level gurus can do that”, 

THATS IT! by this time I just wanted hang up. She was hoping I hadn’t completed my course, so I wouldn’t heal completely and get to the point of successfully beating Anxiety and Depression, and start a practice to help other eliminate their obstacles and heal.

My best friend of 16 years, who was with me when I was struggling with my family and my health, was ridiculously uncomfortable with me doing better than her. I had known it for a few years but I did not want to admit it. I was in heavy denial of this and though we have been for each other through thick and thin for the last 16 years there were only 2 ways this could go.

She either had to find a way to be happy for me or let me go. And though my heart was holding on to the former, my gut knew the answer wasn’t it. I was not facing my biggest fear.

Myself: “There is no level in Reiki after 2, it is master and teacher level”

She said: “Yes off course there is, there is level 5 and 6” she continued insisting

THATS IT!!! I knew at this point she was in denial and did not want to admit, i have gotten better and I am on a path very very different than hers, she wanted me to stay in in a shitty situation with her as long as she was in it, which I understand, but I have kept my progress from her for years not, not weeks or months, years. I was fooling myself trying to make several attempts over the years of  trying to tell her the the truth that I am not the person she though I was any longer. There were times I thought to myself , “May be I didn’t try hard enough”, but I knew I did and it was time, so I replied saying,

“How about we agree to disagree”

She said: “Okay. lets do that. So I just wanted to congratulate you. good for you.” 

That half ass wish was the nail in the coffin. I said, “I have started work now and it’s pretty busy so I need to get back to work.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.

After that moment I knew, there was no going back to where. I had known, witnessed and lived the part where they say once you decide to change your lives for the better, you leave a lot of relationships behind, and that had held true a lot of my superficial friendships, but this one that I thought I will be able to hold on to until the very end of my story.

Turns out, the universe always has different plans for you. I am still mourn the loss of my most treasured friendship,its only been a few hours and I know I will survive this but this is the last place I ever imagined myself in, I didn’t even realize,“When did we get here?”

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The Beautiful Pain

At a tender age of 11, my aching heart believed being treated unfairly hurt the most. Growing up with an aggressive teen sibling, being the middle child I then thought, feeling invisible hurt the most,

Years passing me by, while on a brink of becoming a puberty struck, overweight teen with abandonment issues I thought, carrying all that rage burning inside me hurt the worst,

Carrying the burden of responsibilities while having to become your own pseudo parent, being tough on yourself while pretending all the well to the outside world felt the worst,

Finally ridden off the teenage hormones, maturing into a semi- stable, partially functional adult grieving a loss of one among the only 2 unconditionally loving family members, hurt the worst,

Physically uprooting the self travelling to the other far corner of the world and then still watching another struggle for an opportunity to love and care for you, there trying to hold on to the one you love while they leave of exhaustion felt the worst,

Of all that pain and suffering, I sit here today and finally realize, none of that suffering was on par with what came after,

The Mother of all agony, all suffering, truly begins when you start Healing,

Reliving every bit of the anguish, every hurt from every loss, every ache from all the wounds, just so you learn to let it go is when one truly understands what Pain is….

Neither grief, no loss, no wound hurts more than that very moment, the split second moment, between two existing moments, less than a nano second after you choose to Heal, to Grow, to Metamorphosize….

….and that is a beautiful pain!

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Chapter 1 – the First Day of the Rest of my Life

It was the Saturday of the Victoria Day long weekend, a gorgeous early spring day of 2020 and it was also the first day of the rest of my life.

Now it might’ve been just another day of an Spring 2020 for everyone else, a bright day with warm sunshine and a cool breeze that makes it the ideal weather to take a walk, go for a hike or just go to the park and have a picnic. And though the shadows of the COVID – 19 Pandemic are far from leaving us alone, physical distancing still being something that everyone is expected to practice, groups consisting more than 8 people are still not legally allowed to gather according to the Quarantine Act and we are probably 8 to 10 months far from a vaccine , if not more along with the possibility of social and professional life getting back to “normal” anytime soon.

I am a homebody, after struggling to make a work-from-home routine for the first 3 weeks of this Quarantine, I started warming up to it when I realized that I am increasingly productive this way, I am good with it for now. As much as I want us to find a vaccine for COVID – 19 and get back to travelling, visiting friends and family, I am good with this work from home and physical distancing part.

Lets get to the point of why this day was different for me than it was for everyone else. I had quite an enlightening session with my therapist this morning. Of all the therapists I have tried and tested, this one has helped me out the most. Unfortunately, he is not in the same time zone as me. He came highly recommended from my Ayurvedic / Naturophathic gynecologist who had two of her previous patients getting great results from having him as their therapist. So, I decided to meet with him when I was visiting my family and surprisingly it worked. He understands the life and the culture that I come from, unlike most doctors and therapists he is spiritually inclined which is a plus point and you know how just the vibe of a person feels right? yeah so I vibed well with him and decided to continue with getting therapy from him.

Even after having read books and hearing crazy dramatic stories about hypnotherapy, I wanted to opt for it because after all these years, I had concluded that there are parts of me and elements to my personality that just won’t co-operate with me no matter how badly I wanted to heal. If you or anyone you care about has had anxiety and suffered from depression, you will know what I mean, not that if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you won’t get it, empathy is a human quality and that’s more than enough for you to get what I am saying.

I will reserve the details of my therapy session from that Saturday for another day for another topic, but the after effects of that session that I did not expect to see on such an instantaneous basis. I was quite taken aback from that session as it was intense as most of my hypnotherapy sessions are, but I took a few hours just to process that session. A passive aggressive element of my personality was eliminated in that session, something that I had been carrying around for god knows how long, that part that was holding my progress back, making me physically ill and draining my mental and physical energy, that part of me was identified, acknowledged and eliminated all in one session. Don’t get me wrong I am not ungrateful, I am just processing.

After the session, I cooked delicious spicy vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals for the next couple of days, more than I have been cooking all year so far. After that I cleaned up my place and took the garbage out and for the first time, in forever I stepped out of the house just the take a walk in my neighborhood.

I live in a beautiful neighborhood, it has many a beautiful parks, gorgeous mansions where sometimes you can see uniformed staff attending the front and back yards of those mansions. People are now started to get out of the house more after being cooped in for over 2 months in their homes due to the quarantine, so I saw quite a few people in off course small groups and couples walking and having a picnic in the park, it was nice.

I have been living in this apartment for over 2 years now this is was the first time I stepped out purely with the intention of just exploring the neighborhood. My anxiety and depression kept me so busy in my chaotic mind that made mundane tasks increasingly overwhelming, so much so that it never even occurred to me to take a walk or explore the neighborhood or just get out of the home for any reason other than groceries, errands and meeting up with friends. The days just pass me by and I am just procrastinating all my essential tasks to the next day and the one after and so on, but not today. Today I outperformed my own self in almost every way. Everything on my list for that day, I did and a few additional things like booking the handyman services, appointment with my tax guy and financial advisor. Its like there is so much space in mind to work with and store more information and learn much much more than before. Though I don’t fully understand what my therapist did and wrap my head around what happened in that hour long session but whatever he did, it worked. I can breathe better than I did last week, I can think more clearly than I did until last Friday. Believe me I hope and I wish this progress and this clarity on every person that has suffered through mental illness. But lets not get carried away yet, I have a feeling there is more to come…. So Stay Tuned!

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…. Just when I thought, I understood all the working ways of my Heart!!!!

It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….

Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….

I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!

Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.

After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and  like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.

My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!

So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it 😉

 

 

….a Special Meet!

It was a different night this fall, a brighter moonlit and colder than usual nightsky was clear and beautiful, the clouds literally under my feet, and me moving at a 900 kilometres/ hour velocity, cutting through the cold crisp air at around 30,000 feet. Fast asleep on a not so comfortable and relatively smaller airline economy seat, with headsets still on my ears from the barely interesting movie I was watching that helped me fall asleep.

A light sleeper on flights I usually wake up a few times in the night as I did last night and just when I opened my eyes a little after midnight, there he was, holding his place firmly as always, not a blink except when the passing cloud that momentarily hid him for a second, shining bright enough to make the flight wings completely visible along with a somewhat thick layer of clouds beneath. There he was, one of my most favorite celestial being, in a gorgeous waxing gibbous phase staring at me in his full glory as if there for a purpose, then it struck me, may be there was a purpose, it was past midnight and I got to witness and experience one of my most favorite things to do, watching this beautiful entity unperturbed and tranquil with nothing but a steady aircraft liner buzzing sound in the background and everyone else quiet and asleep including and surprisingly the ever so present cranky babies and toddlers on the flight (sorry for sounding like a terrible person but flights and kids don’t go well together). Coming back to the Moon & Me, yes there he was presenting me with my first Birthday Gift, wishing me by giving me a wonderful start to yet another year of my eventful, ‘Never a dull moment’ life and smiling upon me with a promise of more such magical and memorable visits, with me around 30,000 feet closer to him than on any other birthday night, this meet with the glorious lunar body was truly special…. Thank you!

Growing Up? or Growing Old?

So!

Growing up is kinda like, yet not necessarily similar to Growing old? Hmm…. who cares? A diamond stays a diamond no matter how old, wine only gets better with age and like someone extremely wise and very very great named Rihanna once said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” and I am going to take their word for it.

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And even though it’s a social norm to not particularly like to grow up/ grow old I however, am lovin’ it….
Some even say I was born old, like not a very literal but still a subtly curious case of Benjamin Button
#LoL #ThatCouldBeRight #IKnowWhatYouSaidLastWeekend *Wink Wink*

I mean, how can I not love it? Getting to really know Yourself without being overwhelmed by raging hormones and that emotional rugby match playing in your mind that almost never did let you think straight.

When after years and years of filtering things and people that may or may not be good for you to the ones that are Really good for you….

When there is rarely a memory you wouldn’t wanna keep and where every moment spent with them is a picture worth capturing….

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And, while everyone else can still decide how they feel about growing up, I plan to stay an Eternal Optimist and focus on the Most Beautiful part of it….

Thank you Everyone for your lovely Birthday wishes and blessings!!!!

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…..the Face of My Faith

My eyes were searching for that face….they never saw it,

My heart always ached to feel it’s presence….my heart still ached,

My soul longs to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and yet it awaits,

All these years gone by while I wait, I seek and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of  who they call God, and I called Hope….

And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,

And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges into a single source of golden light, light which I felt piercing through me as I become a part of it, so much so that it looked as if emanating from Me….

And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….

I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,

He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….

I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….

I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just to me and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….

I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!

 

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Paradoxes of my Juvenescence….

a letter to my confidant….
“Enfolded in the darkness,tears flowed night long,

Tyrannized and fiery,but now the day came along,
Insomnia has become my consort in bed,
Fear beckons a brand new day ahead,
Would the glimmer of the sun give away the tears in my eyes?
Would I have to fall back on telling a few lies?
Never knew my skills were so splendid at lying,
A skill  with dexterity I used, to keep on denying,
For long I’d shut my self from the world and everyone,
To keep only to my heart, and disclose to none,
And then from nowhere came along a friend,
A wee bit late, for all by then seemed to end,
Mixed emotions of laughter ,when in truth I was crying,
As if they had caught on with my lies and denying,
That I am so buoyant and cheery was all that they knew,
But my true being was visible to only a few,
A friend and a loved one were guarding angels of mine,
Its in their midst that I felt touched by divine,
Disappointments were rife from a tender age of ten,
A real life of substance as if never began,
Twice over and above I am as of today,
Memories still haunt me of that ‘Judgement Day’
Haunting of the ghosts of my past, and of what’s to come,
Are both the cause and effect of what I have become,
For now there’s hope and desires to be,
Reasons I still can’t find to tell thee,
The passion, the anguish of times that are low,
I put up a mask of happiness and I glow,
For that’s all, that is visible to the perceptive human eyes,
The state of disdain, the melancholy is what the gravity of my heart defies,
Astonished and dazed I am certain you must be,
For now you know this is the true story of me………”

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Happy Women’s Day!

The concept of a ‘Strong Woman’ is beyond my understanding.
Strength is a key ingredient of the very foundation of Femininity. What made anyone think anything otherwise? Women are strong and courageous by default, it’s a XX’ chromosome pairing thing.

So let’s Celebrate the Fire in you and me,

lets celebrate the Strength that we are,

let’s celebrate Who we want ourselves to be,

and continue to be the Excellence at par….

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!!!!

 

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