….When did We Get Here?

I started my Reiki practice last week. Finally did the one thing I wanted to do since 2012, guess it wasn’t the right time then but I am sure today is. Created my Instagram page for my website and blogs page site, for people to reach me in case they need my help to heal and learn. ‘Spread the word’ I told my friends and family, somehow I didn’t feel like telling my best friend of 16 years and today I figured out “why?”

You see things have been different in the past few years for me, we all know how change is difficult but necessary, so when we are going through it, we don’t know if it is good or bad, all we know is that it is different. And since 2014, when I embarked on my spiritual and healing journey things have been drastically different, thanks to the change of my perspective I could see clearly, this bearing highly beneficial results in the future, which made it “good” different.

I got a call this morning, from my best friend of 16 years from whom I have been distant lately, especially after a fall out I had with another of our close friend, while she was present and a part of. Since that ‘episode’ we exchange texts first and set up a time to call when we have free time to talk. But this morning she called and I got a feeling something is up. I answered her call.

She said: “Hi! how are you?” in a rushed manner, as if that was a formal greeting dying to get on the “real” thing to discuss

Myself: Skeptic yet nonchalantly I responded ” I am good, thanks! How are you?”

She said: “I am good, I thought you were sick with your hormonal imbalance”

Myself: “whatever is happening is happening, but I am not sick, just tired”

She said: “I thought you would be suffering from weakness given your hormones going crazy”

Myself: “No, I am okay. thanks”

She said: “Did you start new page called Soulsne?” she seemed shocked

Myself: “Yes, though its not new. I have had the blog for years now” , I was fighting a strong urge to confront her, so I stayed calm

She said: “Yes, I know about the blog but you never told me about you starting your practice.”. may be I was brewing this up in my mind but her intention of asking that question did not seem very supportive

Myself: “Its fairly recent but I have had that page for a few weeks on Instagram.”

She said: “but have you completed your Reiki learning?” 

Myself: “Over 8 years ago. This isn’t new to me” I answered

She said: “But Reiki has level 5 and 6, which you never completed, only people that are high level gurus can do that”, 

THATS IT! by this time I just wanted hang up. She was hoping I hadn’t completed my course, so I wouldn’t heal completely and get to the point of successfully beating Anxiety and Depression, and start a practice to help other eliminate their obstacles and heal.

My best friend of 16 years, who was with me when I was struggling with my family and my health, was ridiculously uncomfortable with me doing better than her. I had known it for a few years but I did not want to admit it. I was in heavy denial of this and though we have been for each other through thick and thin for the last 16 years there were only 2 ways this could go.

She either had to find a way to be happy for me or let me go. And though my heart was holding on to the former, my gut knew the answer wasn’t it. I was not facing my biggest fear.

Myself: “There is no level in Reiki after 2, it is master and teacher level”

She said: “Yes off course there is, there is level 5 and 6” she continued insisting

THATS IT!!! I knew at this point she was in denial and did not want to admit, i have gotten better and I am on a path very very different than hers, she wanted me to stay in in a shitty situation with her as long as she was in it, which I understand, but I have kept my progress from her for years not, not weeks or months, years. I was fooling myself trying to make several attempts over the years of  trying to tell her the the truth that I am not the person she though I was any longer. There were times I thought to myself , “May be I didn’t try hard enough”, but I knew I did and it was time, so I replied saying,

“How about we agree to disagree”

She said: “Okay. lets do that. So I just wanted to congratulate you. good for you.” 

That half ass wish was the nail in the coffin. I said, “I have started work now and it’s pretty busy so I need to get back to work.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.

After that moment I knew, there was no going back to where. I had known, witnessed and lived the part where they say once you decide to change your lives for the better, you leave a lot of relationships behind, and that had held true a lot of my superficial friendships, but this one that I thought I will be able to hold on to until the very end of my story.

Turns out, the universe always has different plans for you. I am still mourn the loss of my most treasured friendship,its only been a few hours and I know I will survive this but this is the last place I ever imagined myself in, I didn’t even realize,“When did we get here?”

e0fc25522ea2ea04fe641eafd9109688

 

Learning lessons Three on the way to Becoming ‘Me’….

It’s simple really. Is me feeling uncomfortable more important to me than you feeling comfortable? Oh! Hell No!

So, if you make me feel uncomfortable, I should not be around or in presence of you, correct?

If you are comfortable with me being miserable, then for my own sake I should be distancing myself from you, right?

Theoretically, yes this is ideal, yet most of us find it ridiculously difficult to act on it, to which I ask Why?

Because pleasing others has been cultivated in our generations in the name of culture, or just plain ethics or politeness and that for so long, it’s more than difficult to even carbon date it. BUT I am Done!

Here is me, and play this visual in your mind, like a GIF on repeat and hashtag whatever you want to, giving a Flying Goose to your comfort that comes out of my misery. Here on, its Me and My sanity. Everything else can go fly a kite!!!!

Lesson 1: Unlearn

They taught me to be Kind at 3, but they forgot to tell me to be Kind to Me,

They asked me to be Wise at 11, told me everything should be forgiven, they never taught me to Forgive Me,

They told me to not be Dreamy at 12, made sure in my dreams I do not dwell, they forgot to mention I could still pray for Me,

They asked me to Sacrifice my youth at 20, said there would be time to enjoy life plenty, about the consequences of my sacrifices, they failed to educate Me,

Your methods are faulty, demands even more so,

Finding my happiness made me feel guilty, and finding peace felt even worse than you know….

Why in God’s name shouldn’t I Unlearn what You taught me? Why in the Universe should I not Burn all fake education you bought me?

So, from here on I Choose Me!!!!

Lesson 2: I Choose Me

We chase the life they said is so fulfilling. Grow up, get good grades, get a degree, get a job, get a career, get a life partner, get married, have kids, educate them, raise them, get retired and die ‘Happy’. Yeah right!

How does one die Happy if one never lived Happy????

They created a Template for life and like sheep in herds we follow their steps like mindless turds. Sure, if you believe when they say, die happy.

I hear what they say, but say what you may, I don’t believe them.

So, I won’t follow them, its that simple but took me over 2 decades to make it a habit,

Because they try silence my opinions, ask me to not stand out but camouflage like chameleons, just like the other 10s and 100s of millions, but no more!

From here on, I Choose Me….

I will believe what I want to, in that process will learn to trust me gut too, and while I am at that I will purge all the Shallow.

Like my friends Marie Kondo’d their closets, I will Marie Kondo my Life, my friendships, my relationships and all my subscriptions too. I am going to Purge All that doesn’t bring me Joy, Comfort and Contentment. And if that includes you then so be it, hell I say you don’t need me too cause from here on, I don’t care for you,

because from here on I Choose Me….

Lesson 3: Pages of my Destiny

Do not ask me to fulfill your dreams no more, I have my own to work on,

Ask me not to give your apologies to this planet you ripped, I have my own footprints to wash off,

I cannot be the person you failed to become, I have my own ambitions,

Who I become, I decide,

Who I spend my life with, I decide,

I wait no more for your approval, I pivot no more to serve your pride,

No longer will I blend in, no longer will I hide,

I will stand up if I want to, I will stand out if I wish to,

No matter what ending, it is my story to tell, these are my pages to write….

So, ask no more of me, I have none left to give you,

I need what’s left of me, to write the pages of my destiny,

as long as there’s a breath left in me, I’ll need what’s left of me, till the day I die….