Ch 3: At the Deep -end of my spiral

It wasn’t until I started coming out of depression, that I realized how deep I was in it. All those years I kept hitting a new rock – bottom every time I thought lost control of the situation. Although in all honesty I never really had true control over anything. There came a time period where I believed there was no other direction for me than downwards, and to my surprise one morning I woke up to a very random yet not so random realization, a realization that shook the very foundation of my mental illnesses. It was like a stern whisper in my ear in that sweet state where a person is coming out of their sleep but not completely awake, that’s when I heard my own voice whispering to me that there is no direction in the vastness of space, every direction is relative to everything around it and perception is the only due North. It was that moment, that lead to my ascension.

That was the day something inside me made a decision. A decision I should’ve made long ago but nevertheless making now. I will not die a death that isn’t mine, I will not let this Anxiety tell me who I am?, I will not ask depression how long it plans to stay with me? I will find my due North not matter what, no matter when. That was the day I decided, no matter how many battles Anxiety and depression win, I will win this WAR!

That is what I found at the deep – end of my spiral.

This ain’t a Dream!

For years I was afraid to want, so I never asked for anything,

All the times I was afraid to dream, so I didn’t let myself sleep peacefully,

I was told I was dumb and ugly, I stopped letting anyone see me,

And when they started calling a me a failure, I withdrew my ambitions,

Every step I took, every decision I made, I did it so they wouldn’t have to bear my burden, only to realize I was the one carrying theirs, so I decided to drop them….

You see it wasn’t you, it was me who let you treat me like I needed your validation, from the very moment I gave you the power to tell me who I am, but today I take it back….

I will grow, I will beautify, I will dream,

I will want and if you try to silence me, I would scream….

I am today who you will want to be tomorrow,

Do not doubt my ability to walk  away from your shadow….

I will grow, I will laugh, I will fly,

if my growth scares you, feel free to say your goodbyes,

I will not allow you the right to even stand beside me, I will no longer give this failing relationship another try,

I will act on my wishes, give two ducks to your tradition,

Be careful of messing with me hereon, this is Not a Dream, this is my Ambition!

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Ch 2: The Retail Therapy Syndrome

Clarity was a luxury I could not afford. In a materialistic world where a person with little to no material possessions is considered “unfortunate”, what does someone with no concept of “fortunate”, or education on “striving”, do to convince their own selves that they aren’t “unfortunate”? Let me tell you one of the most common things they resort to, “Retail Therapy”. Believe you me, that shit works! sometimes like Magic! (disclaimer: only momentarily though)

Turns out even if I could not afford clarity, I could afford Sephora, Zara, Homesense, Body Shop and Best Buy. So I did go and get myself a few items convincing myself I needed them, almost everyday. Don’t get me wrong, these are amazing brands, genius products but separating ‘Needs’ from ‘Wants’ was my Achilles Heel. Everything I earned, I spent with zero savings remaining in my bank account. Not being financially educated was not my only problem, being able to live on my own and having no one who truly knew my story to warn me or stop me from these mistakes I was making was also a big problem. I had hid from the world for so long I didn’t have a single person who could “See Me”. So even after earning decently, being able to afford certain luxuries I was still “unfortunate”.

The story did not end there, in addition to being a shopaholic, I also became a Hoarder. Not something I am proud of of something I have grown enough to admit. Everything I bought telling myself I needed it for better skin or, hair or vanity, time is the witness, I did not need it and 90% of that shopping stayed in the shopping bags for a minimum of 3 months if not more. I am the kind of person who physically gets sick in the presence of clutter so I would dump my shopping somewhere I could not see it every day reminding me of the damages I had done to bank account by feeding myself a bunch of lies. That continued for over 5 years until one day the unexpected happened.

It was only 2 years ago that I made an unlikely friendship who tried showing me a different path. Someone who could see me and see what I was doing to myself. Someone who could cut my bullshit and tell me things I did not want to hear. She became like a sister from another mother, you know what I mean, right? To come to think of it, I got pretty lucky I found a friend who could be that person for me, I am sure there people like me who have yet not met their, what I call them “Bull-shit cutter”. To all those friends, I really wish Good Luck and pray that they find BS cutter for them. Anxiety manifests in so many ways we have lost count of it, depression manifests in ways that cast a shadow even on the most enjoyable parts of life, for me one of it was retail therapy, what is it for you….????

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The Beautiful Pain

At a tender age of 11, my aching heart believed being treated unfairly hurt the most. Growing up with an aggressive teen sibling, being the middle child I then thought, feeling invisible hurt the most,

Years passing me by, while on a brink of becoming a puberty struck, overweight teen with abandonment issues I thought, carrying all that rage burning inside me hurt the worst,

Carrying the burden of responsibilities while having to become your own pseudo parent, being tough on yourself while pretending all the well to the outside world felt the worst,

Finally ridden off the teenage hormones, maturing into a semi- stable, partially functional adult grieving a loss of one among the only 2 unconditionally loving family members, hurt the worst,

Physically uprooting the self travelling to the other far corner of the world and then still watching another struggle for an opportunity to love and care for you, there trying to hold on to the one you love while they leave of exhaustion felt the worst,

Of all that pain and suffering, I sit here today and finally realize, none of that suffering was on par with what came after,

The Mother of all agony, all suffering, truly begins when you start Healing,

Reliving every bit of the anguish, every hurt from every loss, every ache from all the wounds, just so you learn to let it go is when one truly understands what Pain is….

Neither grief, no loss, no wound hurts more than that very moment, the split second moment, between two existing moments, less than a nano second after you choose to Heal, to Grow, to Metamorphosize….

….and that is a beautiful pain!

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Chapter 1 – the First Day of the Rest of my Life

It was the Saturday of the Victoria Day long weekend, a gorgeous early spring day of 2020 and it was also the first day of the rest of my life.

Now it might’ve been just another day of an Spring 2020 for everyone else, a bright day with warm sunshine and a cool breeze that makes it the ideal weather to take a walk, go for a hike or just go to the park and have a picnic. And though the shadows of the COVID – 19 Pandemic are far from leaving us alone, physical distancing still being something that everyone is expected to practice, groups consisting more than 8 people are still not legally allowed to gather according to the Quarantine Act and we are probably 8 to 10 months far from a vaccine , if not more along with the possibility of social and professional life getting back to “normal” anytime soon.

I am a homebody, after struggling to make a work-from-home routine for the first 3 weeks of this Quarantine, I started warming up to it when I realized that I am increasingly productive this way, I am good with it for now. As much as I want us to find a vaccine for COVID – 19 and get back to travelling, visiting friends and family, I am good with this work from home and physical distancing part.

Lets get to the point of why this day was different for me than it was for everyone else. I had quite an enlightening session with my therapist this morning. Of all the therapists I have tried and tested, this one has helped me out the most. Unfortunately, he is not in the same time zone as me. He came highly recommended from my Ayurvedic / Naturophathic gynecologist who had two of her previous patients getting great results from having him as their therapist. So, I decided to meet with him when I was visiting my family and surprisingly it worked. He understands the life and the culture that I come from, unlike most doctors and therapists he is spiritually inclined which is a plus point and you know how just the vibe of a person feels right? yeah so I vibed well with him and decided to continue with getting therapy from him.

Even after having read books and hearing crazy dramatic stories about hypnotherapy, I wanted to opt for it because after all these years, I had concluded that there are parts of me and elements to my personality that just won’t co-operate with me no matter how badly I wanted to heal. If you or anyone you care about has had anxiety and suffered from depression, you will know what I mean, not that if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you won’t get it, empathy is a human quality and that’s more than enough for you to get what I am saying.

I will reserve the details of my therapy session from that Saturday for another day for another topic, but the after effects of that session that I did not expect to see on such an instantaneous basis. I was quite taken aback from that session as it was intense as most of my hypnotherapy sessions are, but I took a few hours just to process that session. A passive aggressive element of my personality was eliminated in that session, something that I had been carrying around for god knows how long, that part that was holding my progress back, making me physically ill and draining my mental and physical energy, that part of me was identified, acknowledged and eliminated all in one session. Don’t get me wrong I am not ungrateful, I am just processing.

After the session, I cooked delicious spicy vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals for the next couple of days, more than I have been cooking all year so far. After that I cleaned up my place and took the garbage out and for the first time, in forever I stepped out of the house just the take a walk in my neighborhood.

I live in a beautiful neighborhood, it has many a beautiful parks, gorgeous mansions where sometimes you can see uniformed staff attending the front and back yards of those mansions. People are now started to get out of the house more after being cooped in for over 2 months in their homes due to the quarantine, so I saw quite a few people in off course small groups and couples walking and having a picnic in the park, it was nice.

I have been living in this apartment for over 2 years now this is was the first time I stepped out purely with the intention of just exploring the neighborhood. My anxiety and depression kept me so busy in my chaotic mind that made mundane tasks increasingly overwhelming, so much so that it never even occurred to me to take a walk or explore the neighborhood or just get out of the home for any reason other than groceries, errands and meeting up with friends. The days just pass me by and I am just procrastinating all my essential tasks to the next day and the one after and so on, but not today. Today I outperformed my own self in almost every way. Everything on my list for that day, I did and a few additional things like booking the handyman services, appointment with my tax guy and financial advisor. Its like there is so much space in mind to work with and store more information and learn much much more than before. Though I don’t fully understand what my therapist did and wrap my head around what happened in that hour long session but whatever he did, it worked. I can breathe better than I did last week, I can think more clearly than I did until last Friday. Believe me I hope and I wish this progress and this clarity on every person that has suffered through mental illness. But lets not get carried away yet, I have a feeling there is more to come…. So Stay Tuned!

Green Pink Motherhood Mothers Day Instagram Post