This ain’t a Dream!

For years I was afraid to want, so I never asked for anything,

All the times I was afraid to dream, so I didn’t let myself sleep peacefully,

I was told I was dumb and ugly, I stopped letting anyone see me,

And when they started calling a me a failure, I withdrew my ambitions,

Every step I took, every decision I made, I did it so they wouldn’t have to bear my burden, only to realize I was the one carrying theirs, so I decided to drop them….

You see it wasn’t you, it was me who let you treat me like I needed your validation, from the very moment I gave you the power to tell me who I am, but today I take it back….

I will grow, I will beautify, I will dream,

I will want and if you try to silence me, I would scream….

I am today who you will want to be tomorrow,

Do not doubt my ability to walk  away from your shadow….

I will grow, I will laugh, I will fly,

if my growth scares you, feel free to say your goodbyes,

I will not allow you the right to even stand beside me, I will no longer give this failing relationship another try,

I will act on my wishes, give two ducks to your tradition,

Be careful of messing with me hereon, this is Not a Dream, this is my Ambition!

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….When did We Get Here?

I started my Reiki practice last week. Finally did the one thing I wanted to do since 2012, guess it wasn’t the right time then but I am sure today is. Created my Instagram page for my website and blogs page site, for people to reach me in case they need my help to heal and learn. ‘Spread the word’ I told my friends and family, somehow I didn’t feel like telling my best friend of 16 years and today I figured out “why?”

You see things have been different in the past few years for me, we all know how change is difficult but necessary, so when we are going through it, we don’t know if it is good or bad, all we know is that it is different. And since 2014, when I embarked on my spiritual and healing journey things have been drastically different, thanks to the change of my perspective I could see clearly, this bearing highly beneficial results in the future, which made it “good” different.

I got a call this morning, from my best friend of 16 years from whom I have been distant lately, especially after a fall out I had with another of our close friend, while she was present and a part of. Since that ‘episode’ we exchange texts first and set up a time to call when we have free time to talk. But this morning she called and I got a feeling something is up. I answered her call.

She said: “Hi! how are you?” in a rushed manner, as if that was a formal greeting dying to get on the “real” thing to discuss

Myself: Skeptic yet nonchalantly I responded ” I am good, thanks! How are you?”

She said: “I am good, I thought you were sick with your hormonal imbalance”

Myself: “whatever is happening is happening, but I am not sick, just tired”

She said: “I thought you would be suffering from weakness given your hormones going crazy”

Myself: “No, I am okay. thanks”

She said: “Did you start new page called Soulsne?” she seemed shocked

Myself: “Yes, though its not new. I have had the blog for years now” , I was fighting a strong urge to confront her, so I stayed calm

She said: “Yes, I know about the blog but you never told me about you starting your practice.”. may be I was brewing this up in my mind but her intention of asking that question did not seem very supportive

Myself: “Its fairly recent but I have had that page for a few weeks on Instagram.”

She said: “but have you completed your Reiki learning?” 

Myself: “Over 8 years ago. This isn’t new to me” I answered

She said: “But Reiki has level 5 and 6, which you never completed, only people that are high level gurus can do that”, 

THATS IT! by this time I just wanted hang up. She was hoping I hadn’t completed my course, so I wouldn’t heal completely and get to the point of successfully beating Anxiety and Depression, and start a practice to help other eliminate their obstacles and heal.

My best friend of 16 years, who was with me when I was struggling with my family and my health, was ridiculously uncomfortable with me doing better than her. I had known it for a few years but I did not want to admit it. I was in heavy denial of this and though we have been for each other through thick and thin for the last 16 years there were only 2 ways this could go.

She either had to find a way to be happy for me or let me go. And though my heart was holding on to the former, my gut knew the answer wasn’t it. I was not facing my biggest fear.

Myself: “There is no level in Reiki after 2, it is master and teacher level”

She said: “Yes off course there is, there is level 5 and 6” she continued insisting

THATS IT!!! I knew at this point she was in denial and did not want to admit, i have gotten better and I am on a path very very different than hers, she wanted me to stay in in a shitty situation with her as long as she was in it, which I understand, but I have kept my progress from her for years not, not weeks or months, years. I was fooling myself trying to make several attempts over the years of  trying to tell her the the truth that I am not the person she though I was any longer. There were times I thought to myself , “May be I didn’t try hard enough”, but I knew I did and it was time, so I replied saying,

“How about we agree to disagree”

She said: “Okay. lets do that. So I just wanted to congratulate you. good for you.” 

That half ass wish was the nail in the coffin. I said, “I have started work now and it’s pretty busy so I need to get back to work.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.

After that moment I knew, there was no going back to where. I had known, witnessed and lived the part where they say once you decide to change your lives for the better, you leave a lot of relationships behind, and that had held true a lot of my superficial friendships, but this one that I thought I will be able to hold on to until the very end of my story.

Turns out, the universe always has different plans for you. I am still mourn the loss of my most treasured friendship,its only been a few hours and I know I will survive this but this is the last place I ever imagined myself in, I didn’t even realize,“When did we get here?”

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Chapter 1 – the First Day of the Rest of my Life

It was the Saturday of the Victoria Day long weekend, a gorgeous early spring day of 2020 and it was also the first day of the rest of my life.

Now it might’ve been just another day of an Spring 2020 for everyone else, a bright day with warm sunshine and a cool breeze that makes it the ideal weather to take a walk, go for a hike or just go to the park and have a picnic. And though the shadows of the COVID – 19 Pandemic are far from leaving us alone, physical distancing still being something that everyone is expected to practice, groups consisting more than 8 people are still not legally allowed to gather according to the Quarantine Act and we are probably 8 to 10 months far from a vaccine , if not more along with the possibility of social and professional life getting back to “normal” anytime soon.

I am a homebody, after struggling to make a work-from-home routine for the first 3 weeks of this Quarantine, I started warming up to it when I realized that I am increasingly productive this way, I am good with it for now. As much as I want us to find a vaccine for COVID – 19 and get back to travelling, visiting friends and family, I am good with this work from home and physical distancing part.

Lets get to the point of why this day was different for me than it was for everyone else. I had quite an enlightening session with my therapist this morning. Of all the therapists I have tried and tested, this one has helped me out the most. Unfortunately, he is not in the same time zone as me. He came highly recommended from my Ayurvedic / Naturophathic gynecologist who had two of her previous patients getting great results from having him as their therapist. So, I decided to meet with him when I was visiting my family and surprisingly it worked. He understands the life and the culture that I come from, unlike most doctors and therapists he is spiritually inclined which is a plus point and you know how just the vibe of a person feels right? yeah so I vibed well with him and decided to continue with getting therapy from him.

Even after having read books and hearing crazy dramatic stories about hypnotherapy, I wanted to opt for it because after all these years, I had concluded that there are parts of me and elements to my personality that just won’t co-operate with me no matter how badly I wanted to heal. If you or anyone you care about has had anxiety and suffered from depression, you will know what I mean, not that if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you won’t get it, empathy is a human quality and that’s more than enough for you to get what I am saying.

I will reserve the details of my therapy session from that Saturday for another day for another topic, but the after effects of that session that I did not expect to see on such an instantaneous basis. I was quite taken aback from that session as it was intense as most of my hypnotherapy sessions are, but I took a few hours just to process that session. A passive aggressive element of my personality was eliminated in that session, something that I had been carrying around for god knows how long, that part that was holding my progress back, making me physically ill and draining my mental and physical energy, that part of me was identified, acknowledged and eliminated all in one session. Don’t get me wrong I am not ungrateful, I am just processing.

After the session, I cooked delicious spicy vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals for the next couple of days, more than I have been cooking all year so far. After that I cleaned up my place and took the garbage out and for the first time, in forever I stepped out of the house just the take a walk in my neighborhood.

I live in a beautiful neighborhood, it has many a beautiful parks, gorgeous mansions where sometimes you can see uniformed staff attending the front and back yards of those mansions. People are now started to get out of the house more after being cooped in for over 2 months in their homes due to the quarantine, so I saw quite a few people in off course small groups and couples walking and having a picnic in the park, it was nice.

I have been living in this apartment for over 2 years now this is was the first time I stepped out purely with the intention of just exploring the neighborhood. My anxiety and depression kept me so busy in my chaotic mind that made mundane tasks increasingly overwhelming, so much so that it never even occurred to me to take a walk or explore the neighborhood or just get out of the home for any reason other than groceries, errands and meeting up with friends. The days just pass me by and I am just procrastinating all my essential tasks to the next day and the one after and so on, but not today. Today I outperformed my own self in almost every way. Everything on my list for that day, I did and a few additional things like booking the handyman services, appointment with my tax guy and financial advisor. Its like there is so much space in mind to work with and store more information and learn much much more than before. Though I don’t fully understand what my therapist did and wrap my head around what happened in that hour long session but whatever he did, it worked. I can breathe better than I did last week, I can think more clearly than I did until last Friday. Believe me I hope and I wish this progress and this clarity on every person that has suffered through mental illness. But lets not get carried away yet, I have a feeling there is more to come…. So Stay Tuned!

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…. Just when I thought, I understood all the working ways of my Heart!!!!

It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….

Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….

I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!

Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.

After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and  like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.

My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!

So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it 😉

 

 

Growing Up? or Growing Old?

So!

Growing up is kinda like, yet not necessarily similar to Growing old? Hmm…. who cares? A diamond stays a diamond no matter how old, wine only gets better with age and like someone extremely wise and very very great named Rihanna once said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” and I am going to take their word for it.

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And even though it’s a social norm to not particularly like to grow up/ grow old I however, am lovin’ it….
Some even say I was born old, like not a very literal but still a subtly curious case of Benjamin Button
#LoL #ThatCouldBeRight #IKnowWhatYouSaidLastWeekend *Wink Wink*

I mean, how can I not love it? Getting to really know Yourself without being overwhelmed by raging hormones and that emotional rugby match playing in your mind that almost never did let you think straight.

When after years and years of filtering things and people that may or may not be good for you to the ones that are Really good for you….

When there is rarely a memory you wouldn’t wanna keep and where every moment spent with them is a picture worth capturing….

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And, while everyone else can still decide how they feel about growing up, I plan to stay an Eternal Optimist and focus on the Most Beautiful part of it….

Thank you Everyone for your lovely Birthday wishes and blessings!!!!

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…..the Face of My Faith

My eyes were searching for that face….they never saw it,

My heart always ached to feel it’s presence….my heart still ached,

My soul longs to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and yet it awaits,

All these years gone by while I wait, I seek and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of  who they call God, and I called Hope….

And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,

And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges into a single source of golden light, light which I felt piercing through me as I become a part of it, so much so that it looked as if emanating from Me….

And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….

I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,

He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….

I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….

I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just to me and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….

I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!

 

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Happy Women’s Day!

The concept of a ‘Strong Woman’ is beyond my understanding.
Strength is a key ingredient of the very foundation of Femininity. What made anyone think anything otherwise? Women are strong and courageous by default, it’s a XX’ chromosome pairing thing.

So let’s Celebrate the Fire in you and me,

lets celebrate the Strength that we are,

let’s celebrate Who we want ourselves to be,

and continue to be the Excellence at par….

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!!!!

 

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a Ballad of Forgotten Hope….

There isn’t enough binder to mend my broken heart, there isn’t enough elixir to heal my wounded soul, but I refuse to surrender….

Here I am, shattered into a million pieces every moment I spend in a forgotten time, yet I refuse to surrender….

There I go, falling in a bottomless pit of no hope, no light, where only hope kept me going, still I refuse to surrender….

To the demons of my despair that wait at the threshold of my destiny,
to consume what is left of me,
I refuse to surrender….

Even though my line of sight,
that does not extend beyond the horizon, struggles to find another ray of light,
I refuse to surrender….

And how I look back to find the source of my endurance, I find my faith, my connection to God of Hope, be the reason why so dauntlessly I refused to surrender….

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….a note to My Broken self

Wisdom doesn’t come easy, one doesn’t become wise living a happy and comfortable life.

To learn so early what one learns much later in life, one has to fall just as many times, take just as many hits and hit just as many lows, in that short period of time.

And to know how many times we got right back up, well….. I’am standing right in front of you.

Wounds heal, scars don’t, they are not supposed to. They are the only evidence of all the falls and hits we’ve taken.

My scars are deep and I am still broken from the hits we took, but I don’t let them see my scars, I don’t let them see my wounds. I choose what they  see in me, I choose how they see me, it is empowering. Be not alarmed, there is not false pretense, but I choose who deserves my vulnerability.

This body is weak dear one, as for decades we let the fire of rage burn within it. There is no fun in having poor health, if it’s not sympathy or attention you seek, being sick that often is in vain.

Not many get where we are without seeing what we’ve have seen, the only way to get here this quick is to live the pain of more than one life….

I wish I could tell you how much it takes to keep going, while bearing the burden of realization of having lived good 3 decades only to look back and find nothing there, a whole lot of nothingness, only a bunch of liabilities that won’t even let you to find your salvation. Oh how I wish! I could save you from being constantly pulled back from all the progress we’ve have made, just so the selfish desires of having our company are fulfilled. But we shall not surrender.

Blood is weird that way. You can’t be ungrateful for being born and having made it this far but staying in the same room for more than a few hours becomes burdensome and exhausting. If it makes you feel any better, know the difference between them and us? You and I were actually trying to find redemption for all of us. Whilst we found out how the minds of both parties worked. And when one understands that much, one knows there is no black or white there, there is no my way or their way, it’s all grey. There is no way for either of us to be happy, the only way is to make peace with it and be content.

I wish I could give you magic words that helped you make them understand what is necessary, convince them to let go, but I myself am still looking for those words. Since  I find you fallen in this pit from time to time, I want you to remember, we fall so often for we carry the burden of finding redemption for more than just us, however unwise it may seem, we refuse to cease from keeping the promise we made to free us from the debts we have incurred in this life and else. We fall not because we are weak but because our form gets overwhelmed with what our spirit carries so justly.

So, here I am now, unbroken and invincible, waiting for you to find your way to me. I make you strong and you keep me grounded. Together we keep our promises, together we learn no matter how dark it gets, it’s not over until we see the light. So come, find your way back to me, I’ll wait….

Gentle Reminders

As natural it is for us to remember things, its just as natural to forget them. The brain is like one supercomputer that just somehow knows what information is important to store and purge the rest. However, no information is completely lost.

We are beings blessed with capabilities that even our minds cannot comprehend.
Busy lifestyles, finding work – life balance, so much to do so little time, we all need some reminders every now and then. Don’t know about you lot but I am a forgetful one. Quite disorganized in my thoughts as I am in life. Technology helps sometimes, alarm clocks to wake up, Google reminders for organizing daily tasks, project management tools to use at work and what not. Even then, there times when I forget a lot of what I should make it count to keep in mind. But then again, I don’t remember a lot of other important things which is Okay! Like where was I before I was born here, I forget where I will be headed after I am done here. I bet none of us remember that, do we?

No one witnessed the beginning, no one knows the end, however isn’t it logical to think, anything that has an ‘After’ most certainly had a ‘Before’? One cannot know the ‘After’, for obvious reasons, but ever wondered that if there was a ‘Before’ how come no one remembers it?
How conveniently each individual starts living the ‘Now’ after birth and forgets to question the lack of any information until at some point of their life’s journey they look back and realize.
Please tell me this makes sense to you.

We existed before being You and I but we have forgotten. Good thing about it?, we are supposed to, in order to live who we are now and plan who we aim to be by the end of it. I bet each one of has lived a moment where they cannot analyse or understand an ongoing situation but somehow, just somehow ‘Know’ what to do, when to do it? and how to do it? We call these unexplained bouts of knowledge as Sixth Sense or Intuition and what not but wondered how it works? Well that’s a topic for another day!

Ever found yourself staring at the sky for no apparent reason? Ever been mesmerized by something that in plain sight never appealed to you before? Ever found the answers you needed lied in your question the whole time? and ever realized you were never really alone?

I have. I find tranquility when I stare at the sky, I am mesmerized by the warmth of the sun and subtle beauty of the moon sometimes though they are an everyday occurring phenomena, find an instant liking or dislike for a person or activity I just came across, found that me fighting with God and questioning his doings was the proof of my faith in his existence and that I wasn’t standing alone there talking to him, he was listening, sudden moments of overwhelming gratitude, waking up one morning and finding forgiveness for something you couldn’t imagine letting go? Worth giving a thought isn’t it?

These moments, fine and short lived moments are the reminders for what we have forgotten. We are constantly tested for what we have learnt and what we have failed at learning, but we all possess the Knowledge that is needed for us to keep going and reach wherever it is that we were born to find our way to. The moments are not subtle at all, overwhelming joy, gratitude, grief, wisdom, this can be a very intense experience. We may even not desire it out of the fear of vulnerability it brings us. Sad part? it’s not in our hands. The life we lead, the path we walk on, we need access to that knowledge every time we arrive at a turn that was planned for us, to know where to go next?, how to proceed?, what is the best way to find the right direction? There is no subtle or gentle way for life to give us these reminders, however desirable. The knowledge we need to get through this life, learning what we are here to learn is far too great for our minds to possess and confine it into the words of different languages we created to communicate. Hence, we have limited access to it, only what can be handled on a regular basis, but just when we need to Remember , we get special access.

So don’t be too harsh on yourself if you can’t keep information in your mind from leaking, we are all genetically programmed to Forget as much as we are programmed to Remember. For everything else we always will keep getting these Gentle Reminders!