Ch 2: The Retail Therapy Syndrome

Clarity was a luxury I could not afford. In a materialistic world where a person with little to no material possessions is considered “unfortunate”, what does someone with no concept of “fortunate”, or education on “striving”, do to convince their own selves that they aren’t “unfortunate”? Let me tell you one of the most common things they resort to, “Retail Therapy”. Believe you me, that shit works! sometimes like Magic! (disclaimer: only momentarily though)

Turns out even if I could not afford clarity, I could afford Sephora, Zara, Homesense, Body Shop and Best Buy. So I did go and get myself a few items convincing myself I needed them, almost everyday. Don’t get me wrong, these are amazing brands, genius products but separating ‘Needs’ from ‘Wants’ was my Achilles Heel. Everything I earned, I spent with zero savings remaining in my bank account. Not being financially educated was not my only problem, being able to live on my own and having no one who truly knew my story to warn me or stop me from these mistakes I was making was also a big problem. I had hid from the world for so long I didn’t have a single person who could “See Me”. So even after earning decently, being able to afford certain luxuries I was still “unfortunate”.

The story did not end there, in addition to being a shopaholic, I also became a Hoarder. Not something I am proud of of something I have grown enough to admit. Everything I bought telling myself I needed it for better skin or, hair or vanity, time is the witness, I did not need it and 90% of that shopping stayed in the shopping bags for a minimum of 3 months if not more. I am the kind of person who physically gets sick in the presence of clutter so I would dump my shopping somewhere I could not see it every day reminding me of the damages I had done to bank account by feeding myself a bunch of lies. That continued for over 5 years until one day the unexpected happened.

It was only 2 years ago that I made an unlikely friendship who tried showing me a different path. Someone who could see me and see what I was doing to myself. Someone who could cut my bullshit and tell me things I did not want to hear. She became like a sister from another mother, you know what I mean, right? To come to think of it, I got pretty lucky I found a friend who could be that person for me, I am sure there people like me who have yet not met their, what I call them “Bull-shit cutter”. To all those friends, I really wish Good Luck and pray that they find BS cutter for them. Anxiety manifests in so many ways we have lost count of it, depression manifests in ways that cast a shadow even on the most enjoyable parts of life, for me one of it was retail therapy, what is it for you….????

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Learning lessons Three on the way to Becoming ‘Me’….

It’s simple really. Is me feeling uncomfortable more important to me than you feeling comfortable? Oh! Hell No!

So, if you make me feel uncomfortable, I should not be around or in presence of you, correct?

If you are comfortable with me being miserable, then for my own sake I should be distancing myself from you, right?

Theoretically, yes this is ideal, yet most of us find it ridiculously difficult to act on it, to which I ask Why?

Because pleasing others has been cultivated in our generations in the name of culture, or just plain ethics or politeness and that for so long, it’s more than difficult to even carbon date it. BUT I am Done!

Here is me, and play this visual in your mind, like a GIF on repeat and hashtag whatever you want to, giving a Flying Goose to your comfort that comes out of my misery. Here on, its Me and My sanity. Everything else can go fly a kite!!!!

Lesson 1: Unlearn

They taught me to be Kind at 3, but they forgot to tell me to be Kind to Me,

They asked me to be Wise at 11, told me everything should be forgiven, they never taught me to Forgive Me,

They told me to not be Dreamy at 12, made sure in my dreams I do not dwell, they forgot to mention I could still pray for Me,

They asked me to Sacrifice my youth at 20, said there would be time to enjoy life plenty, about the consequences of my sacrifices, they failed to educate Me,

Your methods are faulty, demands even more so,

Finding my happiness made me feel guilty, and finding peace felt even worse than you know….

Why in God’s name shouldn’t I Unlearn what You taught me? Why in the Universe should I not Burn all fake education you bought me?

So, from here on I Choose Me!!!!

Lesson 2: I Choose Me

We chase the life they said is so fulfilling. Grow up, get good grades, get a degree, get a job, get a career, get a life partner, get married, have kids, educate them, raise them, get retired and die ‘Happy’. Yeah right!

How does one die Happy if one never lived Happy????

They created a Template for life and like sheep in herds we follow their steps like mindless turds. Sure, if you believe when they say, die happy.

I hear what they say, but say what you may, I don’t believe them.

So, I won’t follow them, its that simple but took me over 2 decades to make it a habit,

Because they try silence my opinions, ask me to not stand out but camouflage like chameleons, just like the other 10s and 100s of millions, but no more!

From here on, I Choose Me….

I will believe what I want to, in that process will learn to trust me gut too, and while I am at that I will purge all the Shallow.

Like my friends Marie Kondo’d their closets, I will Marie Kondo my Life, my friendships, my relationships and all my subscriptions too. I am going to Purge All that doesn’t bring me Joy, Comfort and Contentment. And if that includes you then so be it, hell I say you don’t need me too cause from here on, I don’t care for you,

because from here on I Choose Me….

Lesson 3: Pages of my Destiny

Do not ask me to fulfill your dreams no more, I have my own to work on,

Ask me not to give your apologies to this planet you ripped, I have my own footprints to wash off,

I cannot be the person you failed to become, I have my own ambitions,

Who I become, I decide,

Who I spend my life with, I decide,

I wait no more for your approval, I pivot no more to serve your pride,

No longer will I blend in, no longer will I hide,

I will stand up if I want to, I will stand out if I wish to,

No matter what ending, it is my story to tell, these are my pages to write….

So, ask no more of me, I have none left to give you,

I need what’s left of me, to write the pages of my destiny,

as long as there’s a breath left in me, I’ll need what’s left of me, till the day I die….