It wasn’t until I started coming out of depression, that I realized how deep I was in it. All those years I kept hitting a new rock – bottom every time I thought lost control of the situation. Although in all honesty I never really had true control over anything. There came a time period where I believed there was no other direction for me than downwards, and to my surprise one morning I woke up to a very random yet not so random realization, a realization that shook the very foundation of my mental illnesses. It was like a stern whisper in my ear in that sweet state where a person is coming out of their sleep but not completely awake, that’s when I heard my own voice whispering to me that there is no direction in the vastness of space, every direction is relative to everything around it and perception is the only due North. It was that moment, that lead to my ascension.
That was the day something inside me made a decision. A decision I should’ve made long ago but nevertheless making now. I will not die a death that isn’t mine, I will not let this Anxiety tell me who I am?, I will not ask depression how long it plans to stay with me? I will find my due North not matter what, no matter when. That was the day I decided, no matter how many battles Anxiety and depression win, I will win this WAR!
That is what I found at the deep – end of my spiral.
I started my Reiki practice last week. Finally did the one thing I wanted to do since 2012, guess it wasn’t the right time then but I am sure today is. Created my Instagram page for my website and blogs page site, for people to reach me in case they need my help to heal and learn. ‘Spread the word’ I told my friends and family, somehow I didn’t feel like telling my best friend of 16 years and today I figured out “why?”
You see things have been different in the past few years for me, we all know how change is difficult but necessary, so when we are going through it, we don’t know if it is good or bad, all we know is that it is different. And since 2014, when I embarked on my spiritual and healing journey things have been drastically different, thanks to the change of my perspective I could see clearly, this bearing highly beneficial results in the future, which made it “good” different.
I got a call this morning, from my best friend of 16 years from whom I have been distant lately, especially after a fall out I had with another of our close friend, while she was present and a part of. Since that ‘episode’ we exchange texts first and set up a time to call when we have free time to talk. But this morning she called and I got a feeling something is up. I answered her call.
She said: “Hi! how are you?” in a rushed manner, as if that was a formal greeting dying to get on the “real” thing to discuss
Myself: Skeptic yet nonchalantly I responded ” I am good, thanks! How are you?”
She said: “I am good, I thought you were sick with your hormonal imbalance”
Myself: “whatever is happening is happening, but I am not sick, just tired”
She said: “I thought you would be suffering from weakness given your hormones going crazy”
Myself: “No, I am okay. thanks”
She said: “Did you start new page called Soulsne?” she seemed shocked
Myself: “Yes, though its not new. I have had the blog for years now” , I was fighting a strong urge to confront her, so I stayed calm
She said: “Yes, I know about the blog but you never told me about you starting your practice.”. may be I was brewing this up in my mind but her intention of asking that question did not seem very supportive
Myself: “Its fairly recent but I have had that page for a few weeks on Instagram.”
She said: “but have you completed your Reiki learning?”
Myself: “Over 8 years ago. This isn’t new to me” I answered
She said: “But Reiki has level 5 and 6, which you never completed, only people that are high level gurus can do that”,
THATS IT! by this time I just wanted hang up. She was hoping I hadn’t completed my course, so I wouldn’t heal completely and get to the point of successfully beating Anxiety and Depression, and start a practice to help other eliminate their obstacles and heal.
My best friend of 16 years, who was with me when I was struggling with my family and my health, was ridiculously uncomfortable with me doing better than her. I had known it for a few years but I did not want to admit it. I was in heavy denial of this and though we have been for each other through thick and thin for the last 16 years there were only 2 ways this could go.
She either had to find a way to be happy for me or let me go. And though my heart was holding on to the former, my gut knew the answer wasn’t it. I was not facing my biggest fear.
Myself: “There is no level in Reiki after 2, it is master and teacher level”
She said: “Yes off course there is, there is level 5 and 6” she continued insisting
THATS IT!!! I knew at this point she was in denial and did not want to admit, i have gotten better and I am on a path very very different than hers, she wanted me to stay in in a shitty situation with her as long as she was in it, which I understand, but I have kept my progress from her for years not, not weeks or months, years. I was fooling myself trying to make several attempts over the years of trying to tell her the the truth that I am not the person she though I was any longer. There were times I thought to myself , “May be I didn’t try hard enough”, but I knew I did and it was time, so I replied saying,
“How about we agree to disagree”
She said: “Okay. lets do that. So I just wanted to congratulate you. good for you.”
That half ass wish was the nail in the coffin. I said, “I have started work now and it’s pretty busy so I need to get back to work.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.
After that moment I knew, there was no going back to where. I had known, witnessed and lived the part where they say once you decide to change your lives for the better, you leave a lot of relationships behind, and that had held true a lot of my superficial friendships, but this one that I thought I will be able to hold on to until the very end of my story.
Turns out, the universe always has different plans for you. I am still mourn the loss of my most treasured friendship,its only been a few hours and I know I will survive this but this is the last place I ever imagined myself in, I didn’t even realize,“When did we get here?”
At a tender age of 11, my aching heart believed being treated unfairly hurt the most. Growing up with an aggressive teen sibling, being the middle child I then thought, feeling invisible hurt the most,
Years passing me by, while on a brink of becoming a puberty struck, overweight teen with abandonment issues I thought, carrying all that rage burning inside me hurt the worst,
Carrying the burden of responsibilities while having to become your own pseudo parent, being tough on yourself while pretending all the well to the outside world felt the worst,
Finally ridden off the teenage hormones, maturing into a semi- stable, partially functional adult grieving a loss of one among the only 2 unconditionally loving family members, hurt the worst,
Physically uprooting the self travelling to the other far corner of the world and then still watching another struggle for an opportunity to love and care for you, there trying to hold on to the one you love while they leave of exhaustion felt the worst,
Of all that pain and suffering, I sit here today and finally realize, none of that suffering was on par with what came after,
The Mother of all agony, all suffering, truly begins when you start Healing,
Reliving every bit of the anguish, every hurt from every loss, every ache from all the wounds, just so you learn to let it go is when one truly understands what Pain is….
Neither grief, no loss, no wound hurts more than that very moment, the split second moment, between two existing moments, less than a nano second after you choose to Heal, to Grow, to Metamorphosize….
It was the Saturday of the Victoria Day long weekend, a gorgeous early spring day of 2020 and it was also the first day of the rest of my life.
Now it might’ve been just another day of an Spring 2020 for everyone else, a bright day with warm sunshine and a cool breeze that makes it the ideal weather to take a walk, go for a hike or just go to the park and have a picnic. And though the shadows of the COVID – 19 Pandemic are far from leaving us alone, physical distancing still being something that everyone is expected to practice, groups consisting more than 8 people are still not legally allowed to gather according to the Quarantine Act and we are probably 8 to 10 months far from a vaccine , if not more along with the possibility of social and professional life getting back to “normal” anytime soon.
I am a homebody, after struggling to make a work-from-home routine for the first 3 weeks of this Quarantine, I started warming up to it when I realized that I am increasingly productive this way, I am good with it for now. As much as I want us to find a vaccine for COVID – 19 and get back to travelling, visiting friends and family, I am good with this work from home and physical distancing part.
Lets get to the point of why this day was different for me than it was for everyone else. I had quite an enlightening session with my therapist this morning. Of all the therapists I have tried and tested, this one has helped me out the most. Unfortunately, he is not in the same time zone as me. He came highly recommended from my Ayurvedic / Naturophathic gynecologist who had two of her previous patients getting great results from having him as their therapist. So, I decided to meet with him when I was visiting my family and surprisingly it worked. He understands the life and the culture that I come from, unlike most doctors and therapists he is spiritually inclined which is a plus point and you know how just the vibe of a person feels right? yeah so I vibed well with him and decided to continue with getting therapy from him.
Even after having read books and hearing crazy dramatic stories about hypnotherapy, I wanted to opt for it because after all these years, I had concluded that there are parts of me and elements to my personality that just won’t co-operate with me no matter how badly I wanted to heal. If you or anyone you care about has had anxiety and suffered from depression, you will know what I mean, not that if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you won’t get it, empathy is a human quality and that’s more than enough for you to get what I am saying.
I will reserve the details of my therapy session from that Saturday for another day for another topic, but the after effects of that session that I did not expect to see on such an instantaneous basis. I was quite taken aback from that session as it was intense as most of my hypnotherapy sessions are, but I took a few hours just to process that session. A passive aggressive element of my personality was eliminated in that session, something that I had been carrying around for god knows how long, that part that was holding my progress back, making me physically ill and draining my mental and physical energy, that part of me was identified, acknowledged and eliminated all in one session. Don’t get me wrong I am not ungrateful, I am just processing.
After the session, I cooked delicious spicy vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals for the next couple of days, more than I have been cooking all year so far. After that I cleaned up my place and took the garbage out and for the first time, in forever I stepped out of the house just the take a walk in my neighborhood.
I live in a beautiful neighborhood, it has many a beautiful parks, gorgeous mansions where sometimes you can see uniformed staff attending the front and back yards of those mansions. People are now started to get out of the house more after being cooped in for over 2 months in their homes due to the quarantine, so I saw quite a few people in off course small groups and couples walking and having a picnic in the park, it was nice.
I have been living in this apartment for over 2 years now this is was the first time I stepped out purely with the intention of just exploring the neighborhood. My anxiety and depression kept me so busy in my chaotic mind that made mundane tasks increasingly overwhelming, so much so that it never even occurred to me to take a walk or explore the neighborhood or just get out of the home for any reason other than groceries, errands and meeting up with friends. The days just pass me by and I am just procrastinating all my essential tasks to the next day and the one after and so on, but not today. Today I outperformed my own self in almost every way. Everything on my list for that day, I did and a few additional things like booking the handyman services, appointment with my tax guy and financial advisor. Its like there is so much space in mind to work with and store more information and learn much much more than before. Though I don’t fully understand what my therapist did and wrap my head around what happened in that hour long session but whatever he did, it worked. I can breathe better than I did last week, I can think more clearly than I did until last Friday. Believe me I hope and I wish this progress and this clarity on every person that has suffered through mental illness. But lets not get carried away yet, I have a feeling there is more to come…. So Stay Tuned!
It’s simple really. Is me feeling uncomfortable more important to me than you feeling comfortable? Oh! Hell No!
So, if you make me feel uncomfortable, I should not be around or in presence of you, correct?
If you are comfortable with me being miserable, then for my own sake I should be distancing myself from you, right?
Theoretically, yes this is ideal, yet most of us find it ridiculously difficult to act on it, to which I ask Why?
Because pleasing others has been cultivated in our generations in the name of culture, or just plain ethics or politeness and that for so long, it’s more than difficult to even carbon date it. BUT I am Done!
Here is me, and play this visual in your mind, like a GIF on repeat and hashtag whatever you want to, giving a Flying Goose to your comfort that comes out of my misery. Here on, its Me and My sanity. Everything else can go fly a kite!!!!
Lesson 1: Unlearn
They taught me to be Kind at 3, but they forgot to tell me to be Kind to Me,
They asked me to be Wise at 11, told me everything should be forgiven, they never taught me to Forgive Me,
They told me to not be Dreamy at 12, made sure in my dreams I do not dwell, they forgot to mention I could still pray for Me,
They asked me to Sacrifice my youth at 20, said there would be time to enjoy life plenty, about the consequences of my sacrifices, they failed to educate Me,
Your methods are faulty, demands even more so,
Finding my happiness made me feel guilty, and finding peace felt even worse than you know….
Why in God’s name shouldn’t I Unlearn what You taught me? Why in the Universe should I not Burn all fake education you bought me?
So, from here on I Choose Me!!!!
Lesson 2: I Choose Me
We chase the life they said is so fulfilling. Grow up, get good grades, get a degree, get a job, get a career, get a life partner, get married, have kids, educate them, raise them, get retired and die ‘Happy’. Yeah right!
How does one die Happy if one never lived Happy????
They created a Template for life and like sheep in herds we follow their steps like mindless turds. Sure, if you believe when they say, die happy.
I hear what they say, but say what you may, I don’t believe them.
So, I won’t follow them, its that simple but took me over 2 decades to make it a habit,
Because they try silence my opinions, ask me to not stand out but camouflage like chameleons, just like the other 10s and 100s of millions, but no more!
From here on, I Choose Me….
I will believe what I want to, in that process will learn to trust me gut too, and while I am at that I will purge all the Shallow.
Like my friends Marie Kondo’d their closets, I will Marie Kondo my Life, my friendships, my relationships and all my subscriptions too. I am going to Purge All that doesn’t bring me Joy, Comfort and Contentment. And if that includes you then so be it, hell I say you don’t need me too cause from here on, I don’t care for you,
because from here on I Choose Me….
Lesson 3: Pages of my Destiny
Do not ask me to fulfill your dreams no more, I have my own to work on,
Ask me not to give your apologies to this planet you ripped, I have my own footprints to wash off,
I cannot be the person you failed to become, I have my own ambitions,
Who I become, I decide,
Who I spend my life with, I decide,
I wait no more for your approval, I pivot no more to serve your pride,
No longer will I blend in, no longer will I hide,
I will stand up if I want to, I will stand out if I wish to,
No matter what ending, it is my story to tell, these are my pages to write….
So, ask no more of me, I have none left to give you,
I need what’s left of me, to write the pages of my destiny,
as long as there’s a breath left in me, I’ll need what’s left of me, till the day I die….
It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….
Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….
I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!
Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.
After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.
My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!
So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it 😉
It was a different night this fall, a brighter moonlit and colder than usual nightsky was clear and beautiful, the clouds literally under my feet, and me moving at a 900 kilometres/ hour velocity, cutting through the cold crisp air at around 30,000 feet. Fast asleep on a not so comfortable and relatively smaller airline economy seat, with headsets still on my ears from the barely interesting movie I was watching that helped me fall asleep.
A light sleeper on flights I usually wake up a few times in the night as I did last night and just when I opened my eyes a little after midnight, there he was, holding his place firmly as always, not a blink except when the passing cloud that momentarily hid him for a second, shining bright enough to make the flight wings completely visible along with a somewhat thick layer of clouds beneath. There he was, one of my most favorite celestial being, in a gorgeous waxing gibbous phase staring at me in his full glory as if there for a purpose, then it struck me, may be there was a purpose, it was past midnight and I got to witness and experience one of my most favorite things to do, watching this beautiful entity unperturbed and tranquil with nothing but a steady aircraft liner buzzing sound in the background and everyone else quiet and asleep including and surprisingly the ever so present cranky babies and toddlers on the flight (sorry for sounding like a terrible person but flights and kids don’t go well together). Coming back to the Moon & Me, yes there he was presenting me with my first Birthday Gift, wishing me by giving me a wonderful start to yet another year of my eventful, ‘Never a dull moment’ life and smiling upon me with a promise of more such magical and memorable visits, with me around 30,000 feet closer to him than on any other birthday night, this meet with the glorious lunar body was truly special…. Thank you!
My eyes were searching for that face….they never saw it,
My heart always ached to feel it’s presence….my heart still ached,
My soul longs to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and yet it awaits,
All these years gone by while I wait, I seek and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of who they call God, and I called Hope….
And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,
And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges into a single source of golden light, light which I felt piercing through me as I become a part of it, so much so that it looked as if emanating from Me….
And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….
I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,
He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….
I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….
My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….
I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just to me and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….
I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….
My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!